Hey! It's me! ...the prideful one.

Oh, hey there, random citizen.
Yes, I will give you a moment to recover from your shock upon the realization that I still exist even though I have blogged in 2 months.
And even my last blog post was kind of...a downer?

I've started many a blog post...and then deleted it.
Why? Well, even if you aren't asking why, I'm going to tell you anyways.

Every time to started to write, I felt like I didn't have a single finished thought in my crazy brain.


To say God has been stretching and pushing me these last few months would be an understatement.

It started last October.
Which, ironically, happens to be the same month I turned 21...
9 months ago.
I felt God calling me in a new life direction... and I went about it all the wrong way.

My thought process: "I know what God wants, so I'm going to do everything in MY OWN POWER to accomplish it."

Yea, it's okay to laugh at me, or groan...or whatever.

I let my own pride get in the way.
And once you open that door, it just gets worse and worse...

And for months I let my pride remain. Didn't want to admit my attitude was wrong.

-December 27th, I took a drive and God showed me a lot(see post here). He showed me I needed to submit. To submit where I really really really really really (did I mention really?) didn't want to.

-January, I learn more and more to submit. God puts many trials in my path to make sure I really know what submission means. I fail a lot. Learn a lot. ...Lose a lot.

-February, I try so hard to press on through loss. Am kind of stupid about it and rely on my own strength far too much. Too prideful to admit otherwise.

-March-April, God is so good and gracious. Shows His love for me even while I am horribly prideful. Begin to slowly see how much my own pride is wearing me out. See that my pride affected far more than just myself. Begin painful process of letting go of my pride, having conversations/making apologies that are really hard. Learn once again God is so so gracious.

-May, God is gracious to me far more than I deserve. Get a 'second chance', in a weird sort of way. So incredibly humbling.

And the last two months have been just that.
A learning process.
Learning how easily pride can sneak into everyday life.
Learning that pride hurts not only yourself, but others around you.
Learning that, so often, God gives us such amazing amazing blessings that we certainly don't deserve.

I in no way deserve the mercy and grace God showed me over the last few months.
The people he placed in my life, the forgiveness He gave and the forgiveness He gave.
The patience and forgiveness He's given to others to give to my undeserving self.

If I had to sum up what I've learned over the past 9 months, it would be this:
"The moment we allow our pride to get the smallest slip into our lives is the moment we begin to rely on ourselves rather than Christ. And the moment we begin to rely on ourselves, is the moment we begin to put the Creator of the earth under our own, helpless, selves. And this is the moment we need all the more to turn away from our own selfish desires, turn away from our pride, admit our wrongs, and actively acknowledge that our strength truly comes from Christ alone."

I'm still learning. Daily.
But, as humans, our nature is to be prideful.
So not on my own strength, but in that of Christ alone, I am striving to turn my eyes away from myself, and look fully upon Christ.

1 Peter 5:5, "...and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

77 Miles Later...

     Sometimes God teaches us a lesson. And then sometimes after we learn the lesson...He gives us a trial to make sure we really learned it.
      And that means really stretching us. Stretching us until we feel we cannot bear it anymore.
      And this is where I found myself this past week.

      Lately God has been teaching me about submitting. To His will for my life.
      It was hard to learn...and I was slow. But I hit an "AHA!" moment, where I was like, "I've finally got this."
       Note to self #4,907: We never 'got this'. Our faith is constantly being tested.
       Through a series of events, Saturday(yesterday...how come it feels so far away?) afternoon God gave me the biggest test on submitting that I have ever had.
       And let me tell you... I was upset. Hurt. Confused.
       Tears streaming down my face, I got in my car and just drove. I didn't have a destination in mind, just needed to be alone to think. Cry. And pray.
       The entire time I had one verse I couldn't shake from my mind, "*If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
       77 miles of driving and praying later it became all too clear that taking up the cross of Christ meant laying down everything and everyone in my life in order to do so.
       And to know that doing so might mean losing more than just my will and pride... but friends whom I hold dear.
       To give literally everything and submit to His will for me.
       Am I totally chill with the situation now and 'oh happy day my problems are solved because I've learned to submit'?
      Far from it. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm struggling, a lot, with this.
      Submitting to things I don't agree with... but know that right now God is calling me to submit to these things.
       God is always teaching us. If we don't have trials in life, how else would we grow? He gives us trials to prove our faith as gold. To grow us in Him. To strip us of everything that consumes us in the world and show us that following Him...and Him alone...is what we, as believers, are called to do.
      And that training, learning; it hurts. So much.
       But if we press on. Eyes on Christ. Joy in Him.
       It'll be so SO worth it in the end.

In order to take up our cross and follow Christ, we must leave behind all that we think we need.

We must deny ourselves. Our desires. Our wants.

To do anything less is to disobey the God of yesterday, today, and forever.

*Matthew 16:24-26, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forgets his soul?'" 

God opposed to you?

     My very favorite passage in the Bible is 1 Peter 5:5-10:
"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 
   “God opposes the proud
   but gives grace to the humble.”
 ⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
 ⁸ Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
 ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen" 
     That passage has taught me soooo much. God is so so so so sooo good!
     At ladies bible study at my church, we've been going through 1 Peter, and I was absolutely elated when we reached this passage! Today we went over verse 5. "All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God oppoes the proud but gives grace to the humble.""
     Wow. God opposes the proud. That's...wow...that's more then enough reason to be humble!
     When we are prideful, when we are in our sin and unrepentant, God is opposed to us! Yes, I know I'm using lot of exclamation points...but this is HUGE! Do you want the God of all creation to be opposed to you?! I should hope not.
     We are called to clothe ourselves in humility. To be like-minded with other believers. To serve Christ.

     Called to be like Christ, who humbled himself to a servant (Philippians 2). He washed His disciples feet, He sat at the table of sinners. There was no pride in Him.
     We are called not.to.be.prideful but to be humble. To humbly come before a truly awesome God who has given us way more than we deserve. Humbly come before Him and serve Him in everything you do.

     My prayer is that I will continually be coming humbly before God, that I will clothe myself in humility and repent of any pride and sin in my life. That I will become a servant of Christ. My prayer is that this will be your prayer to.

     I only talked about the first part of the verse, I know-but I would be here typing for hours if I wanted to go into the whole thing. Just read it, study it, there are some amazing words in there!
     God is good. :D