The Stories Have It Wrong

The rain soaked through my shoes

And the cold breeze against my face

 Drops of rain and salty tears

Mixed together and fell to the ground

The pain of all I'd loved and lost

Washing over like an ocean of grief

Minutes ticked by

Rain fell harder

I knew I had to get up

To make the walk back

But going back meant life kept moving

Here I had a solace

Almost as if

Nothing had changed at all

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

When you lose those you love

The world doesn't stop

 Nothing changes

Everything remains the same

 Each morning still brings a new day

Each evening a close

 But now there is a void

Something - someone - missing

But the world continues around you

Blissfully unaware of the pain you feel

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

When you lose those you love

You don't forget your other struggles

They remain

Sometimes they grow

With each new goodbye

A previous goodbye awakens anew

And though this new sorrow

Overwhelms all else

Your tears are for so much more

As if you never healed

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

And catches you unaware

Your world doesn't stop

And even though you want to

You don't stop either

Because you fear if you stop

You will never start again

I gave one last long sigh

And forced myself to get up

Though the wind blew harder and the rain heavier

The two mile walk back seemed shorter

I reached my front door

And knew life was still moving

Though my heart weighs heavy

And though this goodbye still leaves this hole in my heart

I continue on

Clinging to the One who I know grieves with me

Who remains faithful through it all

Who has promised to never leave nor forsake me

I cling to the shelter under His grace and mercy

And the comfort found in His love

And still raise my hands in praise

For in my weakness, all the more can I glorify His precious name

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

When you lose those you love

It's not the end

For those who are in Christ

It is merely a temporary farewell

And a cause to rejoice

For this wonderful hope of eternal life

The hurt is still there

And the tears still come

But we still have this unending joy in Christ

That encompasses our very being

 

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.” -Job 1:20-21

Different This Year

     *note: though this story is completely fictional, the emotion behind it stems from actual experiences in my own life.

     I shifted my arms to keep an armful of packages from spilling all over the ground.  

     Another year. Another Christmas. 

     And a sufficiently smaller bank account to show for it. Also a New Years resolution to never again to wait until Christmas Eve to finish my shopping.

     The bus doors opened in front of me and I stepped inside, desperately searching for an empty spot to set my gifts down. 

     The only empty spot was next to a woman with matted hair and downcast eyes. Though it couldn't have been any warmer than 40 degrees outsides, she wore only jeans and a t-shirt. 

     My heart softened. I always tried to help the homeless when I could. Setting my packages down, I pulled off my own coat. I had a thick layer underneath, but still the stale, cold, air in the bus caused me to shiver. 

     "Excuse me, Ma'am?" I tapped her on the shoulder.

      She looked up, her eyes red and puffy. 

      I held the coat out. "You look like you need this more than me."

      No smile. No 'thank you'. Instead she looked at me blankly for a moment, then turned away. 

      Annoyed, I tried again. "It's really cold outside, please take it."

      She shook her head.

       Not the reaction had expected, I turned away and checked my phone. I need to get home and put the turkey in the oven. 

       A sniffle caused me to face the woman once again. Her shoulders were shaking slightly. 

       I picked my packages up and sat down next to her. "Are you alright?"

       She glanced at me briefly, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. Still, no words.

       "Do you have anywhere to go for Christmas?" 

       "Not anywhere I want to go." Her words were mumbled, barely audible.

        I pictured a homeless shelter, filled with filth. I wouldn't want to go their either. 

        "Anything I can do to help? I have extra food..."

        "Not unless you have a stairway to Heaven."

        I blinked. "I don't understand."

        Another sob. "I don't want to go home. Not when he's not there anymore."

        Reality began to sink in. She wasn't homeless. She was grieving. 

        I remained silent, hoping she would continue. 

        "Why didn't God take me instead? Why would someone so young be taken away?"

        "I'm so sorry." I didn't know what else to say.

        "He was my son. My son."

        "Can I ask...what happened?"

        She was silent for a moment and I thought she wasn't going to answer. But she took a deep breath and said, "stage four cancer. We only found out a week before he died."

         I swallowed. "I'm so sorry," I repeated.

         "How could we not know until a week before? How did I miss the signs? He's gone now. Just like that. One day I'm kissing my beautiful boy on the forehead and the next I'm planning his funeral. I can't go home. Everything there reminds me of him. His sweet laugh. His blue eyes."

          I felt tears well up in my own eyes. She kept going, spilling out her heart.

          "There's no way I can live with this pain. I just want to be with him. I want to be in Heaven. I want to hug him. I want to tell him I love him. I just-" she choked back more tears, trying to get her words out. "I just want him to be alive." 

          The bus stopped and the woman got up. 

          "I'm so so sorry for you loss." The tears in my own eyes flowed freely now. "I can't imagine the pain, but I will pray for you."

           She let her eyes lock with mine for a moment, a silent 'thank you', then stepped off the bus and melted into the Christmas Eve crowds. 

           Minutes later the bus stopped once again and I got off. It wasn't until I had walked the mile from the bus stop to my house that realized I had left my coat on the bus and cold rain was pelting down on my neck. But still I felt numb to the cold. 

          Seeing a pain so real and deep, tugged at my heart and kept my own tears falling. If just seeing her pain caused this own pain in my heart, how much more was she hurting?

          I stepped into the house and a blast of warmth hit my face. Warmth and thankfulness. 

          For this Christmas I had my family. Such a precious gift that so easily I took for granted. 

          Another year. Another Christmas.

          Another moment to be thankful for the ones I hold dear.

Praying for all those who are celebrating Christmas with an empty spot at the table this year. <3

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

May the name of the Lord be praised. 

You would think...

You would think

the more loss you see,

the easier it would be

You would think

the more pain you feel

the more you will to heal

You would think...

but you would think wrong

Each loss

Holds the same pain as before

Except now

A new addition that hurts all the more

Tears

 that never run dry
Strength

fading as the days go by

Until

your strength has run dry

You stop

even asking why.

God, please grant me strength not from myself nor for myself

But grant me the ability to rest upon your strength

in order that I may praise Your holy name

How I long to be where there is no pain

How I long to go to my eternal home

But I know I am here for a reason

So please, God, give me the strength to continue on

With a song in my heart

To shine Your light

Though my heart grows weary

Though I lose the will to go on

Though You take all I have loved

Even when the tears won't stop

please give me the strength

to raise my hands

and say

'Blessed be, the God who gives

and who takes away'

One Year.

One year.
How can one year feel like a lifetime but yet one day at the same time?
I cannot put into words what I am feeling right now. I woke up this morning with a million thoughts in my head-all related to Joshua Steven Eddy . Thoughts of how I missed him, thoughts of how I could be praying for his family and close friends, thoughts of how it felt like just another day to wake up...but yet....it's different today.
It was exactly one year ago that I got the news that one of my dearest friends, Joshua Eddy, had slipped and fallen into the Rogue River and drowned.
You can never be ready to lose someone you care about.
I miss Josh. So much. And I know so many others do as well.
I also know that God's plan to take Josh home when He did could not have been any more perfect. God took Josh home at JUST the perfect time. It may seem too soon for those who were close to Josh...but God's plan for everyone, when they are born, when they die, is SO SO perfect. Planned from beginning of time.
Josh left behind a testimony of what it looks like to truly follow of Christ. Anyone who knew him can tell you how he constantly would encourage and challenge you in your walk with the Lord.
Since Josh has passed, life has gone on. But the memory and testimony of Josh still remains. If he could see how many lives his passing has impacted in the past year, he would be so humbled.
A reminder of so many things: a reminder of how he isn't with us anymore and the deep pain that comes from missing him, a reminder of the life he lived-for Christ, and a challenge not to live our lives 'like Josh did', but to follow the same path he did in living for Christ, a reminder of how short life is and most of all: a reminder of how God is in control. Always.
I miss Josh. I miss him far more than I did a year ago. I miss receiving his famously long emails encouraging me to do what was right, so stand firm in the Lord and to always always keep my focus on God. I miss seeing new photos that he had taken where he learned a new photography technique and he would get so excited about it. I miss reading his heartfelt blog posts that always encouraged me. I miss his smile, his laugh. I miss him.
And a year later, through tears, I am praising God that He had this planned from the beginning of time. Because even though I miss him, I can rejoice that I will see him again.

Here's a part of an email I once received from Josh, it seems all the more appropriate now(As this was an extremely personal email, I replaced any names with '----'):

"No matter what happens, you need to trust in Him, and live for Him. Never live the complacent life. If you believe that God is in control of every single aspect of creation; not even a leaf falls from a tree without God allowing it to, then God has a purpose for every event in your life, and your job is not to say “oh, well, that wasn’t fun”. Your job is to say “Blessed be the Name of the Lord, You give and take away. What do you intend for me to learn from this, Lord? How can I grow from this experience?”  
Can I ask you a sensitive question? Do you love God more than ----? If God took ---- from you permanently, would you still love Him? Of course yes, I know that you’re far stronger than to turn your back on Him. But would you ever “forgive” Him? Would you resent it and always look on it as a curse? Are you willing to lay your friendship with ---- on the altar and “Lord, it’s yours, use it for you greatest Glory”?"

So many of the things Josh said, God knew how they would effect others after his death. Things about losing someone, about always trusting God...things that relate to Josh now.
It's amazing to see God's plan.
 
 
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look no at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

How Great Thou Art

     Yesterday would have been Josh's 20th birthday.
     A year ago I never would have imagined that instead of sending him a happy birthday email, I'd be visiting his grave.
     God opened the doors for me to be able to make the 5 hour trip to Grants Pass and visit Josh's grave. What a trip. So many emotions. But I am extremely thankful God allowed me to go.
     Visiting Josh's grave wasn't what I expected it'd be. I'm not positive what I expected, but I thought that when I went there would be all this extreme pain.
      And while it did hurt, there was this overwhelming sense of peace. That THIS was how it was supposed to be. This was all in God's perfect plan, and I didn't want it any other way.
     I spent most my visit at the grave, walking around the cemetery singing praise songs and praying. One song I just couldn't get off my mind was, 'How Great Thou Art'. I sang it over and over. The lyrics are so powerful.
     One of the verses goes,

O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder

Consider all the works they hand hath made

I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,

Thy power throughout the universe displayed;

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great thou art!

     I miss Josh. A lot. But God's plan is so perfect. He created the whole universe. I just look outside and see His mighty hand. God is so good. And His plan so perfect. I rest completely in His holy will for everything that happens.
     While in Grants Pass I was talking with a friend and we were talking about how in everything, God is so faithful. And how in the hard times, and in the unknown, it gives us all the more reason to trust and rely in God.
     It's easy to get wrapped up in our own plans for life. But when something happens to someone dear to you, everything changes...and then it becomes easy to worry about loving for fear of losing someone. But God is so faithful.
     Yesterday is a day I won't soon forget.
     Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

6 months...

Today marks exactly 6 months from the day that changed my life forever.
6 months from when my sister, with tears in her eyes, came in and said, "Clareesa, you need get on facebook." It was there I learned a very dear friend, Joshua Steven Eddy, slipped into the Rogue River and was missing. At first it seemed impossible to believe he could really be gone...I kept telling myself, praying, they would find him and he would be fine. But when I saw the post that the search had been called off, I knew he was gone. Sometimes reality takes awhile to sink in, for me...it didn't take any time at all. I remember screaming-because it was all I could do-then crying for nearly 3 days straight.
Those were the most difficult and painful days of my life-and I can only being to imagine the pain felt by the Eddy family and those closer to Josh.

Now, half a year later, there are still days when the pain comes just as it did 6 months ago and I find myself asking "Why, God???" but the answer always comes right away: 'It has been in God's holy will and plan from the beginning of time.'
He knew Josh would go out there to take a photo, he knew Josh would slip, he knew that day would be Josh's last day on earth.
Both Josh's life and death have been an amazing testimony to me, and so many others, of what a life solely seeking Christ looks like. Everyone who knew Josh can testify that he impacted their lives in a huge way.
I often find myself smiling...then I realize I'm thinking of a memory of Josh.
Today, half a year after he went to be with Jesus, I'm not asking 'why'...I'm thanking God for placing Joshua Eddy into my life...for the perfect amount of time. :)

Part of an email Josh once sent:
"Sometimes it's so hard to see how God uses the hard parts of life to shape us into the Christ-bearers that we are intended to be. If you can trust that God really know what He is doing, He will use you for things that would've been impossible had you taken matters into your own hands. No matter how crazy your life may seem, and no matter how bleak the future may seem, follow His voice and guidance. He really does know what He is doing and He does have a plan."

You couldn't have said it better, Josh. Thanks for leaving an awesome testimony...for so many. Miss you. :')

Untitled

Why does it come to this?

Why does my heart seem to burn?

Why will I never feel the same?

Why, please just tell me why.

Why I have to say goodbye.

I wanted it forever to be

But I know now I will never see

Your smiling face, looking back at me

Please, explain to me why

Why I have to say goodbye.

Memories will forever remain

But lives will only last a day

So if I had one wish

I would want you, here, beside me

Tell me why I have to say goodbye

I never thought this day would come

When I wrote you a letter

And went to send it in the mail

Then I realized

There's no address

To heaven

Don't make me say goodbye

As tears fall down my face

I looked up and asked why

Who will fill the empty space you left behind

I don't understand why

Why I have to say goodbye

So wait for me, at those heavenly gates

Wait for me, with open arms

It's time for me to say goodbye

But wait for me.

Wait for me.

Trying

It's the hardest thing I've ever done

A struggle greater than I knew

Tears, laughter, sorrow and joy

Confusion surrounds me

I'm trying to so hard

Trying to keep one focus

Trying to only see Christ

I'm trying - trying so hard

It's like my heart is in a box

A war to always keep it safe

Pain, healing, sadness and delight

Desire surrounds me

I'm trying to so hard

Trying to live just one way

Trying to fully serve Christ

I'm trying - trying so hard

It's a constant battle

A constant tugging at my heart

Desire, needs, shame and pride

Many storms surround me

But I'm trying so hard

Trying to just remember

Trying to always seek Christ

I'm trying - trying so hard

Oh Lord, give me strength

To always

Always keep trying

Until the end of my days

silent prayer

Holding tight to the last words you said

 Quote them over and over in my head

Wishing that this were a nightmare

Wake up and wipe that last tear

Never thought our friendship would come to this

I was living a fantasy of hopeless bliss

Now I'm trying to keep holding on

Without dreading each waking dawn

Resting my world in the grace of my God

So that with a smile I can continue on

Harder than I could ever have imagined

Fighting not to feel abandoned

I know if I trust in His will

That His joy soon will fill

But I'm still clinging to the last words you said

I'm still wiping those tears I shed

And I'm trying, trying so hard

To realize I won't forever be scarred
And in the river of God's mercy and grace
I bow my knee before the God
Who took you from this place
For those last words I cling to
He always knew wouldn't last forever
The Lord gives and takes away
But abandoned, no not ever.
Remembering it's all in His holy will
At the edge standing still
Breathing deeply
Breathing slowly
Remembering
But when the tears fall down my face
I'll stand firm in this place
It's not the end
For His Son did He send
And I know I'll see you again
Lifting my hands high in the air
Singing a silent prayer

God's Timing.

     Awhile back, I posted about my friend, Josh, who drowned.
Not.one.day goes by when I don't think about him or have something remind me of him. And sometimes the pain that follows hurts just as much as it did a month ago.
I don't think that's ever going to change. For the rest of my life, however long God has for me, things will always remind me of Josh and there will always be moments of intense pain because he's gone.

     The initial pain of losing someone is hard. But in a weird sort of way, it kinda hurts more with the more time that passes.
     It's kinda like a good friend you haven't seen in a long time. If you don't see them for a week, you miss them...but if you don't see them for a whole month-you miss them a whole lot more.

     I miss Josh more now then I did a month ago.
     But there's also that feeling of knowing God had this planned from the beginning of time. Every time I think of Josh, that thought comes along with it. It's just right that Josh is gone. It's hard to say that is happened at a perfect time, because that just sounds so...wrong. But it's true. God took Josh up to be with Him on His timing...you can't get a more perfect timing then that.
   
     Understanding God's timing is often one of the biggest challenges for us as Christians.
     God's timing is SO perfect. He has planned the timing for billions of people...when they will be born, when they will get married, when they will get a job...when they will die. And he has worked them all together, so that some interact and come together, putting the right people in the place at the right time. That is...an insane thought. Can you imagine planning that many lives? Putting them together? We serve such a powerful God-outside of time-omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent... all-powerful. Who has everything perfectly planned to happen in His perfect timing and His perfect and holy will.
     Wow.
     God brought Josh into this world in His perfect timing and He took him out of this world in His perfect timing.
      I'm so thankful that God worked into His holy will and plan to let me get to know Josh. God brought Josh into a lot of people's lives-He had is ALL planned. Every.single.person Josh came in contact with...God had it planned.
     Even right now, typing this...I am in awe. God's power is far far beyond human comprehension. The more I seek to understand God, the more I learn just how much more powerful He is then me. I don't even compare. It's...amazing, humbling and yet another reason to praise the Lord of yesterday, today and forever.

     I miss Josh. I always will. But I'm thankful and praise God for His timing in Josh's life. And I thank God that this goodbye is only temporary.


Song dedicated to Josh: http://arielstrom.bandcamp.com/
Josh's fb page: https://www.facebook.com/JoshuaSEddy
Some really touching blog posts by others:
http://tiannalovesandrew.blogspot.com/2012/05/my-brother-joshua-eddy.html
http://justanotherrebornhuman.blogspot.com/2012/05/tribute.html
http://justanotherrebornhuman.blogspot.com/2012/06/god-is-big.html
http://god-sdaughter.blogspot.com/2012/06/surrending-my-precious-dream.html
http://anobjectblog.blogspot.com/2012/05/object-38-river.html
http://mylifecompiled.blogspot.com/2012/05/grief-according-to-young-ones.html

Hard to Say Goodbye....

May 5th, 2012 - the hardest and most painful day of my life.
 Screen shot of the post from Josh's Mom:

 Josh was a very dear and special friend to me. When I found out he was gone, it didn't feel real, neither did the screams that came from my heart and escaped through my mouth.
He changed my life in so many ways.
One of the most impactful memories I had of him, is once when we were at a large conference together, and I said something rather nonchalantly, and Josh was the only one who noticed I was hurting. He took me aside, looked me in the eye and took my hands in his. Then he asked me what was wrong and told me to let him know if there was anything he could do and that he was praying for me. Then he sent me a mile long email that touched me in ways no email ever has.
How I desire to be in heaven with him! I can't wait for the day when that happens.

He lived a godly testimony in his life, touching so many others... and now, even though he's with Jesus, he's still touching lives.
This is a post he made a month ago, how much more it means now! He truly died well.
http://www.joshyeddy.blogspot.com/2012/04/to-die-well.html 

Joshua S. Eddy, thank you for living out your life as a testimony that won't soon be forgotten.
You were truly one of the most remarkable and godly young men I have ever known.
Thank you for the impact you have had on my life in your encouragement and willingness to always be there. Thank you for seeking Christ in everything.
You changed my life and the lives of many others in your lifetime. And even though you're with Jesus now, you're still changing lives.
See you in heaven-I can't wait!
Your friend, forever,
~Clareesa

Rock Bottom

My knees contacted with rocky ground.
I fell to my face. Blood oozed from cuts on my arms.
The fall had been a long one. Every bone in my body told me so.
I vaguely remembered things I had passed during my fall.
Memories.
Memories that hurt.
I tried to call for help, but my voice cracked and filled with dust.
I tried to lift myself to my feet, but no strength remained.
Why was I here? Could I get out?
Could it get worse?
A stench. My own body putting off an odor so bad I gagged.
A cry of anguish. My cry of anguish.
Alone.
Alone?
No.
Somewhere from below a voice called my name.
A sickening voice.
A voice of darkness.
Could I possibly fall father towards that voice?
I shuddered.
I tried to block out the voice, but how tempting it began to sound.
I wanted to resist.
But I had no strength.
A thought crossed my mind.
A silly thought.
Why would I ever look up?
I didn't even know if I had the strength to.
But somehow, I did.
Using every ounce of energy I had left, I lifted my head and looked up.
A hand.
A hand was reaching out.
For me.
Where had that come from?
I reached out and took hold of the hand.
The voice of darkness shrieked in pain below me.
The hand held my own firmly.
A new strength filled my bones.
The hand began to pull me out.
And with every moment that passed, my strength grew.
Memories began to fade.
The only thing that mattered now was the one who's hand had helped me.
My feet touched soft grass.
I looked at my arms.
My wounds had turned to scars.
Scars I knew would heal if only I kept reaching for that hand.
Reaching for Christ.
How long had that hand been there?
Somehow I knew it had been there all along.
Waiting.
Patiently waiting for me to look up.
A hand that is there right now.
Reaching out towards you.
Will you look up?



     Philippians 3:12-14, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."