This is my cry

A summary of my life in the past year: "The Lord gives...and the Lord takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised."

I have lost a lot in the past year, months and even week...
And I have been tempted to want to give up.
In fact, I have given up...multiple times.
I've thrown my hands in the air and fallen to the ground, unable to even cry.
And I've waited for someone to come help me up.
But the only response I've received is silence.
Maybe you've heard the saying, 'nothing speaks louder than silence' 
And you know what? It's true. It's really true.

And it's that silence that terrifies me. Makes me feel unable to go on. Makes me feel as if I am unable to ever stand again.

But isn't that how it is so often?
We let ourselves feel as if we cannot go on. We give up hope.

We forget that God will never give us anything we cannot get through on HIS strength.
Not ours.

It was a few days ago, and I was really hurting...I took a walk outside with my two lil bros...when I realized how much I had failed.
How much I had been trying to depend upon my own strength.

I'd hit rock bottom, and I hadn't looked up to where I should have been looking.  
A little while ago I wrote a blog post entitled 'rock bottom' (You can read it here)...
And now that I look back at it, it's so true...

Seeking Christ isn't a one-day thing.
It's continual.
Always seeking Him, always calling out to Him.

And when we come to the feet of Jesus, humble and repentant, He won't ignore us.
And that alone is reason to feel extremely humbled.
We have the AMAZING privilege and honor of being able to cry out to Christ with our hurt, with our pain...with our praise... and that...wow.

When life hurts, we are tempted to despair. But it is when life hurts the most that we are given the most opportunity to rely on Christ and shine His light in a dark world.

Listen.

Darkness surrounded me.

Each direction I turned was a vast unknown.

"Hello?" My own voice sounded alien to me.

I stumbled forward, crying out for help.

I can get through this.

I can find the way out.

I WILL find the way out.

Another step.

Something sharp cut into my side.

Wetness oozed from where I'd bumped into whatever blocked my path.

I'm alone. Completely alone.

I don't know where to go!

There's no way out.

Hopelessness began to overtake me.

Surely there was no direction in this emptiness.

I didn't stop moving forward, fearing if I stopped I would be trapped forever.

A distant voice.

"Hello?" I called out, but the sound of my own footsteps drowned out any answer.

I continued forward, inflicting more injuries upon myself as more unknown obstacles blocked my path.

"Stop." The voice was quiet, barely audible.

I paused for a moment.

The silence was terrifying.

I needed to hear something, if only the sound of my own footsteps.

I started forward again.

But paused just long enough to hear the voice once again.

"Stop."

I stopped.

The voice called my name.

Softly, barely loud enough to hear, but definitely my name.

I wanted to move forward, but stood still. 

The voice was comforting.

"Listen," it said.

Listen? Listen to what?

"Listen to me." 

The voice had read my thoughts.

The voice was growing louder. 

Still soft, but gradually easier to hear.

I strained my ears and listened.

The voice called my name again.

This time so crystal clear it was almost as if the speaker stood right beside me.

But I felt no fear.

I knew the speaker could help me.

"Take my hand."

I blindly reached out and felt a firm grip.

Then, slowly, I was led forward.

Guided through the darkness.

The going was painfully slow, but each time I tried to go at my own pace, I would run into something in the darkness.

I let the hand lead me.

I did not speak for fear of not being able to hear the voice when it spoke in that soft, reassuring tone.

After what seemed like an eternity, the darkness began to fade.

I stood in an open field.

The most beautiful field I had ever seen.

I still held the hand of the one who had led me out.

I gazed at his face.

It was Him.

I knew Him, thought I had never seen Him.

"I was in there for alone for so long, why did you not come to help me sooner?"

He smiled.

Then I knew.

He had been there with the whole time.

While I stumbled and fell, He was by my side.

By my side, calling my name.

But I had let my own voice drown out His.

I had let my own impatience to get out of there cause me to not see what had been right with me the whole time.

If only I had listened sooner.

If only I had stopped relying on myself and my own direction.

If only I had stopped, and listened.

But I had listened, it just took time.

And I was determined to listen from this point forward.

He called my name.

This time I heard.

     It's so easy for us as Christians to ignore the voice of God and instead listen to ourselves. 

Sometimes we just need to stop...to stop and listen to God. To seek His guidance and follow HIS footsteps. 

     So often we call upon God for help, but don't listen for an answer. 

Psalm 91,

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
    even the Lord, who is my refuge—
¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”