Why I Don't Want A Boyfriend

     Yes, I don't want a boyfriend.

     In fact, I don't want any sort of relationship.

     Anyone who knows me is probably laughing right about now and saying, "Uh, Clareesa, you're the last person who'd say that and mean it."

     But it's true. Let me me explain.

     

     I have observed many guys 'liking' girls. And those girls were usually very good looking & 'fun', but they are also loud, flirtatious and all around not godly women. And the fact that these are the type of girls guys are finding attractive, makes me respect those guys a little less. 

      I highly respect any guy who is attracted to a truly godly women. A women who doesn't have to act like a wild crazy girl to get attention. A women who doesn't have to have the perfect body. A women who when you look at her, you see Christ.

     Then I realized that I am not the type of women that I would want a godly man to be attracted to. 

      I have a ton of growing to do. 

  

     Relationships are serious to me. I don't intend to get into a relationship until there is a guy who is looking toward very intentionally pursuing me and ultimately looking towards marriage. 

      But I want that man to be godly, pure and most of all...attracted to the qualities a godly wife should have. 

      I'm not ready to be a wife yet. In fact, I won't be "ready" probably ever. It's a continual growing process. 

      So am I saying that I never want a boyfriend because I never feel like I'll be 'the godly women I would want a godly man to be attracted to'? Not in the least. 

      If it were God's will and a man chose to pursue a relationship with me right now, I'd be ecstatic. 

      BUT, it is not my job to just sit and wonder who that man is.

      It's not my job to want a boyfriend.

      It's my job to strive to be a godly women who is seeking Christ in everything.

      To guard my heart and if someday the Lord blesses me with a husband, to have the wonderful privilege of giving it to him.

      To serve as a single person wherever God calls me to serve.

      To shine the light of Christ wherever I go.

      To NOT sit around waiting. Not wishing. Not 'chasing boys'.      

     To be the type of women I would want a godly man to find attractive. 

      I don't want a boyfriend.

      I want to be that women who is so lost in Christ, that any man would have to first seek Christ in order to find me.

     

I failed.

     It's amazing how easily you can make the same mistake multiple times. It's human nature I guess.
     This past month or two(give or take) I have failed. A lot.
     We all fail. We're human. Sinners.
     But I am oh, so grateful for God's grace, mercy and abundant forgiveness!
     I have spent weeks trudging through life, sometimes happy, sometimes sad...searching for something. But through it all I was letting myself get distracted from Christ. Just little distractions, but distractions I didn't get rid of.
     Through a series of events over the past week or so I realized just how much I'd like these distractions become the determining factor or how I felt or acted.
      But even when you realize you're in the wrong and you've failed, it's still not easy to get rid of the cause. At all.
      And I fought it for a few days-which put me in a REALLY bad mood.
      When you don't listen to God's still small voice...sometimes He'll give you something you won't be able to ignore. Usually something you won't enjoy at the time. And that's what happened.
      I guess you could call it a wake up call.
       And it kinda hurt.
      But it's what it took to remember, once again, how I had been letting these little things get in the way of following Christ with EVERY part of me.
   
      Don't get distracted. It can be anything. A job, a relationship, a friend, money, parties....if we let anything take priority in our minds above Christ... well... obviously something needs to change.
     Christ should be our #1 focus. AT ALL TIMES.
     And those things that are distractions, whether or not they in themselves or bad or not....need to be kicked out the door.
      We can tell ourselves that they aren't distractions, but that won't solve the problem.

     Just man up and get rid of them!
     Often times it will hurt. In fact, I can almost guarantee it will hurt. And you'll be tempted to go back even after you get rid of them. BUT IT'S NOT WORTH IT.


       Our happiness, our joy, isn't found in the day to day distractions of life. It's found in Christ. It's found in the hope He gave us for eternal life by dying for our sins. It's found in pursuing and serving Christ every moment of the day. And when those distractions come, it's turning away and seeking Christ all the more.


       What's distracting you today?
        I failed. I got distracted.
        Will you?

Answers.

 Two bins. 

One marked 'questions'

the other 'answers'

I make my way to the first bin

Inside are stacks of blank paper and a pen

I begin to write

Soon the stack of paper has reached an end

Each page filled with questions

Questions from my heart

Questions about my life

Questions of 'why' and 'how'

Questions I desperately want answered

I place the filled paper back into the bin

Then I move to the bin marked 'answers'

I take a deep breath, knowing the answers to all my questions

are in that box.

I tug at the lid

It doesn't budge

I tug harder

I use every ounce of my strength

the lid remains unmoved.

I punch, kick and pound at the box

Desperately, I want those answers.

"Why can't I see the answers???"

I sob into the air.

"I can't continue in life with all this unknown!

I need answers!"

I continue my plea, not caring whether anyone can hear me.

"If I just knew, even a few answers. I wouldn't feel so lost.

So confused."

Silence answers my plea.

I gaze around me.

I know not why I hadn't seen them before.

As far as my eyes could see there were rows and rows

filled with bins.

Half of them marked 'questions'

the other half 'answers'

Each 'questions' bin is filled with papers, 

many so full the lid doesn't close.

I walk over to one

the questions inside are similar to mine

but by someone else.

The 'answers' bin beside it is locked as mine had been

I continue to walk down the endless rows of bins

Searching for some way to find answers.

Far back amongst the bins

something catches my eye

One bin.

Marked 'answers'

 There is no conjoining 'questions' bin.

Could this answers bin possibly be unlocked?

I pull at the lid.

It flies off

Inside lays a single piece of paper.

 I slowly reach in and pick it up

The words draw me to my knees.

"He is the Alpha and Omega,

The beginning and the end.

Before you were born,

He knew you.

When hard times came,

He allowed them.

He knew the outcome.

He gave.

And He took away.

He never told you the purpose.

He never told you his perfect plan.

For his plan is far beyond what your mind could ever comprehend.

His thoughts are high above your thoughts.

He has seen you fail.

He has seen you repent.

And fail again.

He has forgiven you when you asked.

He holds the answers.

He is the God of yesterday, today and forever.

And He wants you to trust Him."

I put the paper back in the bin and shut the lid.

I still have questions.

But I know who has the answers.

And I will trust His perfect plan for my life.

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts."

This is my cry

A summary of my life in the past year: "The Lord gives...and the Lord takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised."

I have lost a lot in the past year, months and even week...
And I have been tempted to want to give up.
In fact, I have given up...multiple times.
I've thrown my hands in the air and fallen to the ground, unable to even cry.
And I've waited for someone to come help me up.
But the only response I've received is silence.
Maybe you've heard the saying, 'nothing speaks louder than silence' 
And you know what? It's true. It's really true.

And it's that silence that terrifies me. Makes me feel unable to go on. Makes me feel as if I am unable to ever stand again.

But isn't that how it is so often?
We let ourselves feel as if we cannot go on. We give up hope.

We forget that God will never give us anything we cannot get through on HIS strength.
Not ours.

It was a few days ago, and I was really hurting...I took a walk outside with my two lil bros...when I realized how much I had failed.
How much I had been trying to depend upon my own strength.

I'd hit rock bottom, and I hadn't looked up to where I should have been looking.  
A little while ago I wrote a blog post entitled 'rock bottom' (You can read it here)...
And now that I look back at it, it's so true...

Seeking Christ isn't a one-day thing.
It's continual.
Always seeking Him, always calling out to Him.

And when we come to the feet of Jesus, humble and repentant, He won't ignore us.
And that alone is reason to feel extremely humbled.
We have the AMAZING privilege and honor of being able to cry out to Christ with our hurt, with our pain...with our praise... and that...wow.

When life hurts, we are tempted to despair. But it is when life hurts the most that we are given the most opportunity to rely on Christ and shine His light in a dark world.

to ponder...

To ponder all my tears in life
has left me beat and worn
But through it all
I've learned to stand
upon the strength of God
For I myself, I cannot bare
the sorrow of this world
But in His grace alone I stand
And praise Him evermore

You would think...

You would think

the more loss you see,

the easier it would be

You would think

the more pain you feel

the more you will to heal

You would think...

but you would think wrong

Each loss

Holds the same pain as before

Except now

A new addition that hurts all the more

Tears

 that never run dry
Strength

fading as the days go by

Until

your strength has run dry

You stop

even asking why.

God, please grant me strength not from myself nor for myself

But grant me the ability to rest upon your strength

in order that I may praise Your holy name

How I long to be where there is no pain

How I long to go to my eternal home

But I know I am here for a reason

So please, God, give me the strength to continue on

With a song in my heart

To shine Your light

Though my heart grows weary

Though I lose the will to go on

Though You take all I have loved

Even when the tears won't stop

please give me the strength

to raise my hands

and say

'Blessed be, the God who gives

and who takes away'

To Sit Upon a Moutain

To sit upon that mountain high

The valley far below

The breeze whispering softly to me

The music of the world

To spread my arms out wide

And feel the open air

To shut my eyes and listen

To the sound God's creation

Then open them wide

And take a deep breath

To witness that creation

So beautiful

So majestic

On that mountain

Is where I want to be

For on top of that mountain

It is as if

The whole world

Lies under me