Moving forward...

Oh hello, reader.
Apparently it's been nearly two years since I made a blogpost.

The last post I made was when my Uncle died. It was the beginning of one of the hardest years for my family: More deaths, cancer, open-heart surgery, the list seemed never ending... Through it all, God showed His love. I still look back in amazement at how He brought us through such a hard time and made us stronger for it.

I've been looking back a lot - it's crazy how things change. How people change. How you change.

Isn't time a funny thing? This crazy concept that God placed in our lives, that we can't control, that always moves forward.

This morning I was reading Proverbs 4:18, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day."

How often I've wished I could go back in time, even just for a moment - to fix a mistake, to give one last hug to a very dear friend who passed, to tell 'old-Clareesa' to get her head screwed on right - but that's not the way God created us.

He didn't create us to look back. He created us to move forward.





And the path He laid out for us - it just gets better until we see Him face to face.


Every morning one of my favorite things to do is open the curtains and let that morning light in - it's always beautiful. What a wonderful example for Proverbs 4:18!

I found myself challenged this week of having a mindset of straining toward what is ahead. It's too easy to get stagnate where we are, or to look back, and forget that God has an wonderful plan for those who love Him. A wonderful plan - moving forward, not backward.

For me, it often starts with how I start my day. Am I starting my day in God's Word? Is my heart in the right place? Am I going through the motions? Or am I looking toward Him, continuing down the path of righteousness?

I wish I could say each morning I did great - but I don't. I'm still trying, learning, striving, failing, being forgiven, and moving forward.

Anyways, just my jumbled thoughts of day... :)

*   *   *

Stretching far beyond the ocean

Higher than every mountain top

Love incomprehensible

Glory unimaginable 

I turn and shake my hand toward the heavens

"Why?" I cry

"Why is it so? I can't go on."

I hang my head

Silence answers my plea.

"Is there nothing more?"

I scream louder

"Help me. Help me. Or let me die."

My words hang heavy in my heart

Warmth

I lift my tear-soaked eyes

Rays of sun beat down

The first gleam of dawn

Casting it's rays around me

I fall to my knees

"It's so hard." I sob

I wipe the tears that have clouded my view

A path?

How did I not see it before?

Beams of light streak across the ground

Calling me

Calling me down the path

Calling me toward the light

Calling me toward His warmth

It won't be easy

This I know

But it will be worth it

For there is so much more

Love, overcoming my doubts

Glory, erasing my fear

Love, drawing me in

Glory, humbling my heart

Love, erasing my sins

Glory, to His name forever.

Amen.

The Stories Have It Wrong

The rain soaked through my shoes

And the cold breeze against my face

 Drops of rain and salty tears

Mixed together and fell to the ground

The pain of all I'd loved and lost

Washing over like an ocean of grief

Minutes ticked by

Rain fell harder

I knew I had to get up

To make the walk back

But going back meant life kept moving

Here I had a solace

Almost as if

Nothing had changed at all

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

When you lose those you love

The world doesn't stop

 Nothing changes

Everything remains the same

 Each morning still brings a new day

Each evening a close

 But now there is a void

Something - someone - missing

But the world continues around you

Blissfully unaware of the pain you feel

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

When you lose those you love

You don't forget your other struggles

They remain

Sometimes they grow

With each new goodbye

A previous goodbye awakens anew

And though this new sorrow

Overwhelms all else

Your tears are for so much more

As if you never healed

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

And catches you unaware

Your world doesn't stop

And even though you want to

You don't stop either

Because you fear if you stop

You will never start again

I gave one last long sigh

And forced myself to get up

Though the wind blew harder and the rain heavier

The two mile walk back seemed shorter

I reached my front door

And knew life was still moving

Though my heart weighs heavy

And though this goodbye still leaves this hole in my heart

I continue on

Clinging to the One who I know grieves with me

Who remains faithful through it all

Who has promised to never leave nor forsake me

I cling to the shelter under His grace and mercy

And the comfort found in His love

And still raise my hands in praise

For in my weakness, all the more can I glorify His precious name

The stories have it wrong

When tragedy strikes

When you lose those you love

It's not the end

For those who are in Christ

It is merely a temporary farewell

And a cause to rejoice

For this wonderful hope of eternal life

The hurt is still there

And the tears still come

But we still have this unending joy in Christ

That encompasses our very being

 

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.” -Job 1:20-21

On Loneliness and Thankfulness

     "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty of in what. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:11b-13

     A month and a half ago I moved out - I am now an hour away from my family and the life I have known for 22 years.
     It's amazing how much has changed in that short time.
     But, that's not what this post is about... by far the hardest part of moving is missing my family. I still see them at least weekly, but I no longer wake up to my little brothers jumping on me or my little sisters practicing the piano scales over and over and over in the room next to mine.
     I have wonderful roommates and friends nearby now, but I get really lonely.
     My schedule has also changed - a lot. In addition to my photography, I now nanny 4 days a week. My schedule is consistent and busy. Most weeks I barely have time to run through my laundry.
     This is not something I'm used to. And I don't usually adjust to change real well...
     I often feel stressed and worn out.
     I start to feel like I might have things figured out, or at least a plan, and then everything changes and I find myself feeling lost and completely alone.
   
     Three weeks ago(give or take), I was driving back from my parent's house, struggling with a hard week and talking to God.
     It didn't take me long to realize that my prayer of thanks to God didn't include the hard situation He'd placed in my life.
     I wanted to be able to thank God for everything, including the painful moments that I felt I'd never get through.
      But I couldn't.

     I spent the drive trying to get over my pride and thank God for the hard things.
     The hard things that brought me closer to Him, that grew me in my walk and that caused me to get over my pride and realize that I could do nothing on my own and I needed to rely completely on His strength. In everything.
     It took 45 minutes(ya, I have a lot of pride...), but I eventually was able to truly thank God for these hard situations I was going through.
   
      45 minutes of truly taking to heart the realization of who Christ was. What He'd done for me.
      And how He deserved all the glory and praise.
      45 minutes of getting over myself and my human selfishness to have things figured out.
      The moment I let my heart rest fully and completely in God's hands, the biggest burden in my life immediately fell off my shoulders.
       The burden of doing things on my own. Of sitting in my room or car crying on my own. Of trying to figure out my life on my own. Of being in a room full of people, but still feeling alone.
 
       Because no matter where I am or what I am going through, in Christ I am never alone.
       In Christ I am never alone - I have no reason to stress. No reason to worry.

       But I have every reason to praise Him.


      When we try to get though life on our own, allowing our pride to keep us from completely giving it all to God, we will find ourselves lost in the insanity of life without a purpose or hope. But when we truly take to heart the truth of who Christ is and humbly come before Him, allowing His Spirit to fill us, we will find that our hearts will not be able to contain the joy and thankfulness that so overwhelmingly overwhelms every aspect of every moment in our life.
      And it will not take effort to thank Him in every season in life, because in in the light of this truth, there is no response but praise.


     "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always give thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." -Ephesians 5:19-20



This post isn't instead to say I have things figured out and I've mastered being thankful... quite the opposite, actually.
I struggle daily with my pride, my flesh constantly fights to try to do and figure things out on my own.
But God is so so so gracious to continually remind me of who He is and forgive me daily when I rely on my own pride.

All glory to Him who has conquered this world. In Him we have complete victory!
Isn't that in itself more than enough reason to praise Him? 
    

This is the day the Lord has made, let us REJOICE and be glad in it!!!! :D

-Where to Start-

Where to start - Where to end

The chapter has closed

The book has just begun

We conquer the hill

To reach the mountain

Our hearts find happiness

But never satisfaction

We always want more

Yearn for what we do not have

But how rarely we see

What a promise has been said

He'll supply all of our needs

No more - No less

So why, with this promise

Can we not see beyond the mess

Where to start - Our beginning 

Given life and breath

Where to end - The story untold

Easily we assume finished at death

We fail to remember the mountain

We allow the chapter to be the book

This life is not the end

But merely the stepping stone to a life with no end

If you seek satisfaction - Seek it in Christ

If you yearn for what you don't have - Yearn for what's eternally in store

Let not the life be the end 

Our momentary dreams and desire

Let nothing of this world be our hearts yearning

For our God is an all-consuming fire

Hebrews 12:28-29, "Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire."

Hey! It's me! ...the prideful one.

Oh, hey there, random citizen.
Yes, I will give you a moment to recover from your shock upon the realization that I still exist even though I have blogged in 2 months.
And even my last blog post was kind of...a downer?

I've started many a blog post...and then deleted it.
Why? Well, even if you aren't asking why, I'm going to tell you anyways.

Every time to started to write, I felt like I didn't have a single finished thought in my crazy brain.


To say God has been stretching and pushing me these last few months would be an understatement.

It started last October.
Which, ironically, happens to be the same month I turned 21...
9 months ago.
I felt God calling me in a new life direction... and I went about it all the wrong way.

My thought process: "I know what God wants, so I'm going to do everything in MY OWN POWER to accomplish it."

Yea, it's okay to laugh at me, or groan...or whatever.

I let my own pride get in the way.
And once you open that door, it just gets worse and worse...

And for months I let my pride remain. Didn't want to admit my attitude was wrong.

-December 27th, I took a drive and God showed me a lot(see post here). He showed me I needed to submit. To submit where I really really really really really (did I mention really?) didn't want to.

-January, I learn more and more to submit. God puts many trials in my path to make sure I really know what submission means. I fail a lot. Learn a lot. ...Lose a lot.

-February, I try so hard to press on through loss. Am kind of stupid about it and rely on my own strength far too much. Too prideful to admit otherwise.

-March-April, God is so good and gracious. Shows His love for me even while I am horribly prideful. Begin to slowly see how much my own pride is wearing me out. See that my pride affected far more than just myself. Begin painful process of letting go of my pride, having conversations/making apologies that are really hard. Learn once again God is so so gracious.

-May, God is gracious to me far more than I deserve. Get a 'second chance', in a weird sort of way. So incredibly humbling.

And the last two months have been just that.
A learning process.
Learning how easily pride can sneak into everyday life.
Learning that pride hurts not only yourself, but others around you.
Learning that, so often, God gives us such amazing amazing blessings that we certainly don't deserve.

I in no way deserve the mercy and grace God showed me over the last few months.
The people he placed in my life, the forgiveness He gave and the forgiveness He gave.
The patience and forgiveness He's given to others to give to my undeserving self.

If I had to sum up what I've learned over the past 9 months, it would be this:
"The moment we allow our pride to get the smallest slip into our lives is the moment we begin to rely on ourselves rather than Christ. And the moment we begin to rely on ourselves, is the moment we begin to put the Creator of the earth under our own, helpless, selves. And this is the moment we need all the more to turn away from our own selfish desires, turn away from our pride, admit our wrongs, and actively acknowledge that our strength truly comes from Christ alone."

I'm still learning. Daily.
But, as humans, our nature is to be prideful.
So not on my own strength, but in that of Christ alone, I am striving to turn my eyes away from myself, and look fully upon Christ.

1 Peter 5:5, "...and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

A Bright Green Tablecloth

 I walked into the crowded coffee shop and my eyes were instantly drawn to a single table in the middle of the room.
Under large, floppy, sunhats sat two old ladies, no younger than 80.
But what made their table stand out was the bright green table cloth decorated with matching tea cups and a teapot and a pot of pink lilies.
Though they sat in silence, there seemed to be a mutual communication between. 

They had known each other long enough to enjoy each others company even in silence.
And the thought struck me: these two old ladies have lived long lives.
Lives that are important. Lives that may be forgotten.
How many loved ones have they witnessed pass away? Friends, parents, siblings.
And as those loved ones have passed, so have stories that people will never know.
But here were these two ladies, having a tea party in the middle of a coffee shop, seemingly oblivious to those around them.
They have stories. They have precious lives.
They were once young adults, like me, filled with wonder and not knowing what life may hold.
But now they seemed so content. Taking time to appreciate a simple tea party.
Watching these ladies made me wonder where I would be in 60 years. Will I have accomplished all my goals? Fulfilled my life's wishes?
Would I have someone I could sit in silence with?
Life passes so slowly. And so often we get so wrapped up in out own lives that we fail to see the lives of those around us.
The lives that are so precious.
Lives you and I have the ability to influence.
The truth of God's amazing gift we can share.
When I'm in my 80's, will I be able to look back and say I influenced other's lives? Or will I have fulfilled all my selfish desires and leave behind absolutely nothing for further God's Kingdom and touch other's?

As these thoughts swam around my mind, one of the ladies stood up and began placing the teaparty supplies into a large gift bag hanging on the handle of the other lady's wheelchair.
Then she folded up the green tablecloth, stuck it into the bag, and pushed the wheelchair out the door.
And just like that, they were gone.
Two lives, momentarily crossing my own, leaving behind a impact on my life they will never know about.

What will your future hold?
Why so often in life are our desires so focused around ourselves?
Shouldn't we be focused on serving others? On spreading the amazing love of God with those around us?
What story will we leave behind?
Will we sit in a coffee shop and have nothing to say for the life we have lived?
Or will we sit in that very same coffee shop and know that we lived to the fullest? Lived for Christ and not ourselves.

Of Strangers & Regrets

"Hello, dear. How are you?"
I snapped my head around and found myself staring down at an elderly lady dragging an oxygen tank. I racked my brain for recognition of this unfamiliar face. None came.
A packed mall bathroom seemed an awful odd place for a stranger to single me out.
I pulled my hands from the sink, shut the water off and smiled at her. "I'm doing well, how are you?"
Her eyes instantly lit up. "Oh, I'm okay. I'm 64, ya know."
The words came out jumbled, only barely audible, and it became clear old age had taken a toll on her mind.
She continued. "Without this," she waved a winkled hand toward her oxygen tank, "I can't breath."
I nodded and smiled politely. My friends were waiting in the food court and I felt uncomfortable holding conversation with a stranger in a crowded bathroom.
"I don't want to die. I will probably die soon." She said it with the same cheery voice she had greeted me with.
My friends could wait a few minutes. Silently, I said a quick prayer that God would allow me to share the gospel.
"Only God knows when we will die. All we can do is trust in Him."
A woman walking past raised an eyebrow at me.
I swallowed and fumbled through the rest. "And if we've accepted Him into our lives, we don't have to worry about where we're going when we die. We don't even have to fear death."
 The elderly lady rolled her eyes around the room. "I'm going to Heaven." She said it, but her words held no conviction.


There it was, the perfect opportunity for me to share the entire gospel. To explain the importance of repentance and the amazing gift God had given us.

But I paused.

I paused, feeling awkward and doubting if the lady would even understand anything I had to say.

And just like that, the elderly lady had moved on.

The wheels on her oxygen tank rolling softly across the floor.

I could have gone after her.

Could have taken the opportunity God had given me.

Instead, I went back to my friends.

And have regretted it ever since.

Since one of my best friends died, living without regrets has been extremely important to me.
So often I've found myself in situations and 'no regrets' has swam around in my mind. Twice it has led to me sharing the gospel in the past. Two of my very favorite memories.

But we get so caught up in our own little world. And forget to live life for other rather than ourselves.

Moment by moment.
No regrets.
And ALL for Christ.

That's what I strive for.

I wish I could turn back time and continue talking with that elderly lady. But maybe the little I did say was able to impact her. I can only pray.

And remember that moment the next time God opens the door for me. Whatever door it may be.

I pray next time I'll be able to walk away with no regrets.

77 Miles Later...

     Sometimes God teaches us a lesson. And then sometimes after we learn the lesson...He gives us a trial to make sure we really learned it.
      And that means really stretching us. Stretching us until we feel we cannot bear it anymore.
      And this is where I found myself this past week.

      Lately God has been teaching me about submitting. To His will for my life.
      It was hard to learn...and I was slow. But I hit an "AHA!" moment, where I was like, "I've finally got this."
       Note to self #4,907: We never 'got this'. Our faith is constantly being tested.
       Through a series of events, Saturday(yesterday...how come it feels so far away?) afternoon God gave me the biggest test on submitting that I have ever had.
       And let me tell you... I was upset. Hurt. Confused.
       Tears streaming down my face, I got in my car and just drove. I didn't have a destination in mind, just needed to be alone to think. Cry. And pray.
       The entire time I had one verse I couldn't shake from my mind, "*If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
       77 miles of driving and praying later it became all too clear that taking up the cross of Christ meant laying down everything and everyone in my life in order to do so.
       And to know that doing so might mean losing more than just my will and pride... but friends whom I hold dear.
       To give literally everything and submit to His will for me.
       Am I totally chill with the situation now and 'oh happy day my problems are solved because I've learned to submit'?
      Far from it. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm struggling, a lot, with this.
      Submitting to things I don't agree with... but know that right now God is calling me to submit to these things.
       God is always teaching us. If we don't have trials in life, how else would we grow? He gives us trials to prove our faith as gold. To grow us in Him. To strip us of everything that consumes us in the world and show us that following Him...and Him alone...is what we, as believers, are called to do.
      And that training, learning; it hurts. So much.
       But if we press on. Eyes on Christ. Joy in Him.
       It'll be so SO worth it in the end.

In order to take up our cross and follow Christ, we must leave behind all that we think we need.

We must deny ourselves. Our desires. Our wants.

To do anything less is to disobey the God of yesterday, today, and forever.

*Matthew 16:24-26, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forgets his soul?'" 

Different This Year

     *note: though this story is completely fictional, the emotion behind it stems from actual experiences in my own life.

     I shifted my arms to keep an armful of packages from spilling all over the ground.  

     Another year. Another Christmas. 

     And a sufficiently smaller bank account to show for it. Also a New Years resolution to never again to wait until Christmas Eve to finish my shopping.

     The bus doors opened in front of me and I stepped inside, desperately searching for an empty spot to set my gifts down. 

     The only empty spot was next to a woman with matted hair and downcast eyes. Though it couldn't have been any warmer than 40 degrees outsides, she wore only jeans and a t-shirt. 

     My heart softened. I always tried to help the homeless when I could. Setting my packages down, I pulled off my own coat. I had a thick layer underneath, but still the stale, cold, air in the bus caused me to shiver. 

     "Excuse me, Ma'am?" I tapped her on the shoulder.

      She looked up, her eyes red and puffy. 

      I held the coat out. "You look like you need this more than me."

      No smile. No 'thank you'. Instead she looked at me blankly for a moment, then turned away. 

      Annoyed, I tried again. "It's really cold outside, please take it."

      She shook her head.

       Not the reaction had expected, I turned away and checked my phone. I need to get home and put the turkey in the oven. 

       A sniffle caused me to face the woman once again. Her shoulders were shaking slightly. 

       I picked my packages up and sat down next to her. "Are you alright?"

       She glanced at me briefly, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. Still, no words.

       "Do you have anywhere to go for Christmas?" 

       "Not anywhere I want to go." Her words were mumbled, barely audible.

        I pictured a homeless shelter, filled with filth. I wouldn't want to go their either. 

        "Anything I can do to help? I have extra food..."

        "Not unless you have a stairway to Heaven."

        I blinked. "I don't understand."

        Another sob. "I don't want to go home. Not when he's not there anymore."

        Reality began to sink in. She wasn't homeless. She was grieving. 

        I remained silent, hoping she would continue. 

        "Why didn't God take me instead? Why would someone so young be taken away?"

        "I'm so sorry." I didn't know what else to say.

        "He was my son. My son."

        "Can I ask...what happened?"

        She was silent for a moment and I thought she wasn't going to answer. But she took a deep breath and said, "stage four cancer. We only found out a week before he died."

         I swallowed. "I'm so sorry," I repeated.

         "How could we not know until a week before? How did I miss the signs? He's gone now. Just like that. One day I'm kissing my beautiful boy on the forehead and the next I'm planning his funeral. I can't go home. Everything there reminds me of him. His sweet laugh. His blue eyes."

          I felt tears well up in my own eyes. She kept going, spilling out her heart.

          "There's no way I can live with this pain. I just want to be with him. I want to be in Heaven. I want to hug him. I want to tell him I love him. I just-" she choked back more tears, trying to get her words out. "I just want him to be alive." 

          The bus stopped and the woman got up. 

          "I'm so so sorry for you loss." The tears in my own eyes flowed freely now. "I can't imagine the pain, but I will pray for you."

           She let her eyes lock with mine for a moment, a silent 'thank you', then stepped off the bus and melted into the Christmas Eve crowds. 

           Minutes later the bus stopped once again and I got off. It wasn't until I had walked the mile from the bus stop to my house that realized I had left my coat on the bus and cold rain was pelting down on my neck. But still I felt numb to the cold. 

          Seeing a pain so real and deep, tugged at my heart and kept my own tears falling. If just seeing her pain caused this own pain in my heart, how much more was she hurting?

          I stepped into the house and a blast of warmth hit my face. Warmth and thankfulness. 

          For this Christmas I had my family. Such a precious gift that so easily I took for granted. 

          Another year. Another Christmas.

          Another moment to be thankful for the ones I hold dear.

Praying for all those who are celebrating Christmas with an empty spot at the table this year. <3

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

May the name of the Lord be praised. 

I don't wanna change(myself)

     I don't like change.
     Wait, let me re-word that. I don't like changing myself.
     I'm very stubborn in my 'me-isms'. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it's definitely not.
     I read an article the other day that really struck a chord. It was talking about how one huge thing that's really important as a wife, is to be an encouragement to your husband.
     Now, I'd really like to think of myself as someone who encourages people.
    And(I hope) I usually am. But not with everyone; not with my younger sisters.
     And it's simply because I grew up with them being 'my annoying little sibs'. And, as a little kid, that meant just sharing when I had to, being nice when I had to, etc...
     Things have definitely changed since then. I love them more than anything. And they know that. But I realized that I don't make much effort to be an encouragement to them. I'm so used to just...not...that it's like pulling out my own teeth to even try.
      And that's something I really need to change.  When/if I get married, I want to be a wife who doesn't get 'stuck' in the cycle of 'just being a good wife'. But who, on a daily basis, is there to encourage my husband in all he does(if it's honoring to Christ of course).
       But how can I expect to encourage someone I live with every day for the rest of my life(Lord willing) when I don't even encourage the family I have now?


     ....So I'm gonna try....no, let me re-phrase that. I'm gonna, by God's grace, change myself. Starting with (at least)one encouragement to my younger sisters each day. I don't just want to be a 'good' sister...I want to be an encouraging sister.

....Just my random thoughts for the day that's maybe a challenge to whoever may read this. :)

So I'm 21...

     I'm 21.
     I've never traveled farther than halfway across the US.
     I've never been out of the Country.
     I've never lived on my own.
     I've never kissed a guy.
     I've never really had a boyfriend.
     I've never gone into a post office by myself(shh, don't tell anyone that one).
     I've never gone sky-diving.
     I've never slept on a roof-top.
     I've never spent more than a week away from home.
     I've never stayed up through the entire night.

     These are all things I thought that I would have done by 21.
     These are all things I still wish to do.
   
     My life has been far from what I expected.
     Between the ages of 0 and 7 I lived in blissful ignorance.
     Between the ages of 8 and 13 lived in constant anger. Anger at the world. Anger at my family. Anger at myself.
     At age 13 God took ahold of my heart through a verse and brought me to Him.
     Between then and now more has elapsed in my life than what I could have ever imagined.
     Things that, in the moment, I wished wouldn't have.
     I've had my heart broken(mainly because of situations I placed myself in). Multiple times.
     I've felt 40 years older in regards to my health.
     I've lost a very close friend to accidental death.
     I've known someone who committed suicide.
     I've known someone who died from cancer.
     I've lost friends whom I thought I'd know forever.
     I've struggled with letting go.
     I've messed up. Over and over and over.


     These are the things that have happened instead of the things I planned.
     These are the things I am THANKFUL happened instead of the things I planned.
     And if I could go back in time...I wouldn't change a SINGLE thing.
     Those stupid mistakes I made, led me to not make them again.
     Those people I lost, helped me learn to place my dependance on Christ alone and not take for granted those who are currently in my life.
     Those times I got my heart broken, helped me learn to guard to safety for when the right guy does come along.
   
     My life isn't easy. And it never was. But my life is amazing. My life is a blessing. I have so SO SO much to be thankful for. And when I really sit back and think about it, I can't help but grin and praise the God who so graciously gifted me with this life.

     I'm 21. Where do I go from here? Try and make all my plans come about?
     What if instead I focused on following GOD'S will for my life?
     He's brought me this far and so often I've fought Him will.
     I have desires and wishes still. But I'm leaving the planning up to God. :)
   

Ecclesiastes 12:13, "The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person."

Echoes

They are all around me
In various shapes and forms
Faces. Bodies. Souls.
Each echoing a cry
Some echo a cry of laughter
Other a sorrow rooted too deep for words
Some echo their mother or father
Still others a brother or sister
Each face has its own unique echo
Some echoes reaching farther than others
Some echoes so strong they ring clear
Long after the face is gone
But what is my echo?
I slip and fail and echo defeat
I mess up and echo humanity
But these aren't MY echo
No. MY echo.
The echo of my life
My echo is Christ
And no matter the times
My fleshly echo tries to take over
The echo of my life
The echo that doesn't come from me
The echo of forgiveness
The echo of grace
The echo of love
Whether through silent prayer
Or a spoken word of encouragement
Let my life echo Christ

Why My Dad Isn't The Best

     My dad isn't the best dad in the world. And yes, this post is about why my dad isn't the best.

     My dad isn't perfect.

     He messes up. 

     He gets upset.

     He's a sinner.

     And there are certainly moments when I feel frustrated when we don't see eye-to-eye.

     And you know what? I bet there's a 'better' (earthly)dad out there.

     But that 'better' dad wouldn't be better for me.

     My Dad. My non-perfect dad is the dad God gave me.

     A dad who loves me.

     A dad who is selfless.

     A dad who can fix just about anything - and takes the time to show his kids to do the same.

     A dad who is striving to be the best dad he can be.

     God blessed me so much by allowing ME to be the daughter of a truly amazing dad.

     A dad who taught me how to hunt, fish, change a tire, wire an outlet, finish a job till it's done, choose the right friends, love others, and most importantly seek Christ in everything.

     God worked it out so perfectly that I'd be placed with a dad to fit my personal needs.

     

     No, my dad isn't the best dad ever and he's far from perfect.

     But the the best dad for me. And I truly couldn't ask for a more amazing dad in my life. 

     I love you, Dad. <3

     

 
 
 
 

Upon my Knees

Yes, I know it's been forever and a half since I made a post....but I'm not dead, I promise. Just busy. But that doesn't mean I haven't been writing...it just hasn't made it from my notebook to my blog... :)

Upon my knees I find myself again

All my strength withered away

Bruised. Battered. Hopeless?

Here upon the ground I feel I shall decay

Emptiness inside

No answers in my head

No air in my lungs

Every tear inside me has been shed

My strength is all but dry

I cannot do this on m own

With one last breath I stretch my arms

"I am nothing. Fill me," I groan

Upon my knees I remain

Though now in broken humbleness

My lungs filled with the sweetest of air

For to Him I called in my distress

Now I clearly see that upon my own I could not carry on

He gave me more than I could bear

He came and did so I may live

And in His name I find victor on my knees in prayer

Why I don't plan to choose joy.

     I'm not choosing joy. And prayerfully, I do not plan to.
     Yup, it's time for one of Clareesa's crazy ramblings in which she says something that sounds completely messed up. Kinda like my 'Why I don't want a boyfriend' post. ;)
     So, allow me to explain...
     I hear the term 'choosing joy' everywhere. Most often the context where I hear it is when someone is going through a rough time and they said, "but i'm trying to choose joy." Or when someone is encouraging someone else who's going through a rough time and they say, "you just need to choose joy."
     Can I be blunt for just a second? Typically, in that context, choosing joy is a one, big, fat, lie.
     It's important before we use that term to understand what, true, Biblical joy actually is. I made a post about joy a few years back and I didn't really put in a lot of verses and stuff I should have.
     First big thing to understand about joy: It's NOT that selfish need to feel 'happy'. It's not that, 'Yay, I love life because everything is fun and it's going great' feeling.
     Joy is NOT an emotion based on our circumstances.
     1 Thessalonians 5:16, "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances..."
     Go read Philippians 4.
     Biblical joy is finding constant contentment in Christ no matter the circumstances. It's rejoicing, even in our sufferings.
     But that's just the beginning of it. Or rather, just a small part. If you want to know more about what joy is, go open your Bible. Seriously, it's crazy jam-packed full of what joy is and where it comes from and what it does.
      So back to my main point... why I'm not choosing joy.
     When we are born again and accept Christ into our lives as our Lord and Saviour, admitting we are sinners in need of his forgiveness, His Holy Spirit fills us.
     And suddenly, we have have the wonderful and amazing ability to complete joy - complete contentment in Christ.
     We are choosing CHRIST.
     I feel like so often when people talk about choosing joy, they are referring so much to that selfish, fleshly desire to be 'happy' and missing the whole point.
     It's not about us!! It's about Christ.
     We are called to be joyful. To be joyful IN CHRIST.
     We are called to choose Christ above all. But guess what??? When we choose Christ, we are filled with His joy!
     Joy in Christ. Joy in the Creator of the Universe. Joy in the God of yesterday, today, and forever!!!
      AH! MIND BLOWN. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! (sorry, this seriously makes me excited)
     God is so incredibly gracious and merciful. We do not deserve such an amazing gift as finding joy in Him.
     And yet, He gives it so freely when we seek Him.

     So, it's not a simple, 'today I'm going to choose joy and be happy and smile.' NO NO NO. If that's your through process, you're way off track.
     It's an attitude of, 'today I will seek Christ. I will seek Him in my actions, thoughts and words, knowing that through Him, I have all I need. And IN HIM, I will find joy."
   
     I know this is something I need to be working on a lot more. Choosing Christ rather than seeking to just 'find joy' so I can be 'happy'.
      So that's what I'm not choosing joy. Prayerfully, and in need of much grace along the way, I desire that I will spend the rest of my life choosing Christ. And in doing so, knowing that IN that, I'm choosing joy as well.
     Every day. Every moment. Every breath.
     To God be the glory.

Romans 15:13, "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."



*Disclaimer: I've read some really fantastic posts, status and heard some really cool things said about choosing joy and I in no way am trying to contradict those. I just am stressing what I have been convicted of, our focus in choosing joy is so often off.
Also, this doesn't mean, AT ALL, that we SHOULDN't be smiling or happy each day. It's just a matter of the heart. :)

What if a question could change your life?

     I know all too well that it is incredibly easy to live life selfishly. To live life seeking our own happiness.
     But the Bible makes it so clear that those who have been born again are to live a life seeking to glorify Christ in all we do.
     Colossians 3:17, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
     There are so many other verses that talk about living for Christ, shining His light, seeking Him, etc...(Rom 12:2, 2 Cor 5:17, Matt 6:24, Matt 6:33, Phil 4:8, 1 Pet 1:13, James 1:22-27, Heb 13:5, the list goes on!).

     It's so simple. So point-blank. EVERYTHING thing we do should be in the name of the Lord Jesus.
     But yet, it's so hard. Hard to ignore our fleshly desires.
     But what if we changed our entire mindset with one simple question?
   
      A question I should be asking myself far more than I do.
      And not just asking this question, but responding with a heart fully desiring to seek Christ.
   
      Ready? Here is it:

     "Is what I'm doing right now ultimately glorifying to Christ?"


     What if you asked that question before you began any task, any project, hung out with anyone, listened to a song, read a book, spent time on social media? anything. And what if after you asked that question, you answered it honestly?

     What would happen?
   
 
     We so often let ourselves live a life so full of complacency and a desire for self-fulfillment. We seek the things of earth, where moth and rust destroy, rather than the things of God. But how would our lives change if we continually lived life with a mindset to glorify and serve Him in absolutely everything? If we stopped, looked at every situation in our life and asked ourselves, 'Is what I'm doing right now ultimately glorifying to Christ?"

     Can you ask yourself this question throughout the day and honestly answer it, "yes."?
     I pray you can and I pray the same for myself.
     
      Don't give into your own fleshly desires. Seek Christ. In EVERYTHING. 

Give It All

Give It All

Let this by my cry:

Oh, Lord, to You I give it all

To You solely do I reach for

At Your feet I fall

At Your feet I lay it all

My wants, my desires

My entire being

Let me hold nothing back

And what I do,

Take it from me

Oh, God, let me not cling to my desires

Fill me with Your will

I give it all, Lord

Every part of me

To do Your will

To follow Your leading

To enter into the unknown

With lifted hands

Relying only on You

And You alone

Here I am, Lord

I give it all

Why I Don't Want A Boyfriend

     Yes, I don't want a boyfriend.

     In fact, I don't want any sort of relationship.

     Anyone who knows me is probably laughing right about now and saying, "Uh, Clareesa, you're the last person who'd say that and mean it."

     But it's true. Let me me explain.

     

     I have observed many guys 'liking' girls. And those girls were usually very good looking & 'fun', but they are also loud, flirtatious and all around not godly women. And the fact that these are the type of girls guys are finding attractive, makes me respect those guys a little less. 

      I highly respect any guy who is attracted to a truly godly women. A women who doesn't have to act like a wild crazy girl to get attention. A women who doesn't have to have the perfect body. A women who when you look at her, you see Christ.

     Then I realized that I am not the type of women that I would want a godly man to be attracted to. 

      I have a ton of growing to do. 

  

     Relationships are serious to me. I don't intend to get into a relationship until there is a guy who is looking toward very intentionally pursuing me and ultimately looking towards marriage. 

      But I want that man to be godly, pure and most of all...attracted to the qualities a godly wife should have. 

      I'm not ready to be a wife yet. In fact, I won't be "ready" probably ever. It's a continual growing process. 

      So am I saying that I never want a boyfriend because I never feel like I'll be 'the godly women I would want a godly man to be attracted to'? Not in the least. 

      If it were God's will and a man chose to pursue a relationship with me right now, I'd be ecstatic. 

      BUT, it is not my job to just sit and wonder who that man is.

      It's not my job to want a boyfriend.

      It's my job to strive to be a godly women who is seeking Christ in everything.

      To guard my heart and if someday the Lord blesses me with a husband, to have the wonderful privilege of giving it to him.

      To serve as a single person wherever God calls me to serve.

      To shine the light of Christ wherever I go.

      To NOT sit around waiting. Not wishing. Not 'chasing boys'.      

     To be the type of women I would want a godly man to find attractive. 

      I don't want a boyfriend.

      I want to be that women who is so lost in Christ, that any man would have to first seek Christ in order to find me.

     

I failed.

     It's amazing how easily you can make the same mistake multiple times. It's human nature I guess.
     This past month or two(give or take) I have failed. A lot.
     We all fail. We're human. Sinners.
     But I am oh, so grateful for God's grace, mercy and abundant forgiveness!
     I have spent weeks trudging through life, sometimes happy, sometimes sad...searching for something. But through it all I was letting myself get distracted from Christ. Just little distractions, but distractions I didn't get rid of.
     Through a series of events over the past week or so I realized just how much I'd like these distractions become the determining factor or how I felt or acted.
      But even when you realize you're in the wrong and you've failed, it's still not easy to get rid of the cause. At all.
      And I fought it for a few days-which put me in a REALLY bad mood.
      When you don't listen to God's still small voice...sometimes He'll give you something you won't be able to ignore. Usually something you won't enjoy at the time. And that's what happened.
      I guess you could call it a wake up call.
       And it kinda hurt.
      But it's what it took to remember, once again, how I had been letting these little things get in the way of following Christ with EVERY part of me.
   
      Don't get distracted. It can be anything. A job, a relationship, a friend, money, parties....if we let anything take priority in our minds above Christ... well... obviously something needs to change.
     Christ should be our #1 focus. AT ALL TIMES.
     And those things that are distractions, whether or not they in themselves or bad or not....need to be kicked out the door.
      We can tell ourselves that they aren't distractions, but that won't solve the problem.

     Just man up and get rid of them!
     Often times it will hurt. In fact, I can almost guarantee it will hurt. And you'll be tempted to go back even after you get rid of them. BUT IT'S NOT WORTH IT.


       Our happiness, our joy, isn't found in the day to day distractions of life. It's found in Christ. It's found in the hope He gave us for eternal life by dying for our sins. It's found in pursuing and serving Christ every moment of the day. And when those distractions come, it's turning away and seeking Christ all the more.


       What's distracting you today?
        I failed. I got distracted.
        Will you?

Answers.

 Two bins. 

One marked 'questions'

the other 'answers'

I make my way to the first bin

Inside are stacks of blank paper and a pen

I begin to write

Soon the stack of paper has reached an end

Each page filled with questions

Questions from my heart

Questions about my life

Questions of 'why' and 'how'

Questions I desperately want answered

I place the filled paper back into the bin

Then I move to the bin marked 'answers'

I take a deep breath, knowing the answers to all my questions

are in that box.

I tug at the lid

It doesn't budge

I tug harder

I use every ounce of my strength

the lid remains unmoved.

I punch, kick and pound at the box

Desperately, I want those answers.

"Why can't I see the answers???"

I sob into the air.

"I can't continue in life with all this unknown!

I need answers!"

I continue my plea, not caring whether anyone can hear me.

"If I just knew, even a few answers. I wouldn't feel so lost.

So confused."

Silence answers my plea.

I gaze around me.

I know not why I hadn't seen them before.

As far as my eyes could see there were rows and rows

filled with bins.

Half of them marked 'questions'

the other half 'answers'

Each 'questions' bin is filled with papers, 

many so full the lid doesn't close.

I walk over to one

the questions inside are similar to mine

but by someone else.

The 'answers' bin beside it is locked as mine had been

I continue to walk down the endless rows of bins

Searching for some way to find answers.

Far back amongst the bins

something catches my eye

One bin.

Marked 'answers'

 There is no conjoining 'questions' bin.

Could this answers bin possibly be unlocked?

I pull at the lid.

It flies off

Inside lays a single piece of paper.

 I slowly reach in and pick it up

The words draw me to my knees.

"He is the Alpha and Omega,

The beginning and the end.

Before you were born,

He knew you.

When hard times came,

He allowed them.

He knew the outcome.

He gave.

And He took away.

He never told you the purpose.

He never told you his perfect plan.

For his plan is far beyond what your mind could ever comprehend.

His thoughts are high above your thoughts.

He has seen you fail.

He has seen you repent.

And fail again.

He has forgiven you when you asked.

He holds the answers.

He is the God of yesterday, today and forever.

And He wants you to trust Him."

I put the paper back in the bin and shut the lid.

I still have questions.

But I know who has the answers.

And I will trust His perfect plan for my life.

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts."