Listen.

Darkness surrounded me.

Each direction I turned was a vast unknown.

"Hello?" My own voice sounded alien to me.

I stumbled forward, crying out for help.

I can get through this.

I can find the way out.

I WILL find the way out.

Another step.

Something sharp cut into my side.

Wetness oozed from where I'd bumped into whatever blocked my path.

I'm alone. Completely alone.

I don't know where to go!

There's no way out.

Hopelessness began to overtake me.

Surely there was no direction in this emptiness.

I didn't stop moving forward, fearing if I stopped I would be trapped forever.

A distant voice.

"Hello?" I called out, but the sound of my own footsteps drowned out any answer.

I continued forward, inflicting more injuries upon myself as more unknown obstacles blocked my path.

"Stop." The voice was quiet, barely audible.

I paused for a moment.

The silence was terrifying.

I needed to hear something, if only the sound of my own footsteps.

I started forward again.

But paused just long enough to hear the voice once again.

"Stop."

I stopped.

The voice called my name.

Softly, barely loud enough to hear, but definitely my name.

I wanted to move forward, but stood still. 

The voice was comforting.

"Listen," it said.

Listen? Listen to what?

"Listen to me." 

The voice had read my thoughts.

The voice was growing louder. 

Still soft, but gradually easier to hear.

I strained my ears and listened.

The voice called my name again.

This time so crystal clear it was almost as if the speaker stood right beside me.

But I felt no fear.

I knew the speaker could help me.

"Take my hand."

I blindly reached out and felt a firm grip.

Then, slowly, I was led forward.

Guided through the darkness.

The going was painfully slow, but each time I tried to go at my own pace, I would run into something in the darkness.

I let the hand lead me.

I did not speak for fear of not being able to hear the voice when it spoke in that soft, reassuring tone.

After what seemed like an eternity, the darkness began to fade.

I stood in an open field.

The most beautiful field I had ever seen.

I still held the hand of the one who had led me out.

I gazed at his face.

It was Him.

I knew Him, thought I had never seen Him.

"I was in there for alone for so long, why did you not come to help me sooner?"

He smiled.

Then I knew.

He had been there with the whole time.

While I stumbled and fell, He was by my side.

By my side, calling my name.

But I had let my own voice drown out His.

I had let my own impatience to get out of there cause me to not see what had been right with me the whole time.

If only I had listened sooner.

If only I had stopped relying on myself and my own direction.

If only I had stopped, and listened.

But I had listened, it just took time.

And I was determined to listen from this point forward.

He called my name.

This time I heard.

     It's so easy for us as Christians to ignore the voice of God and instead listen to ourselves. 

Sometimes we just need to stop...to stop and listen to God. To seek His guidance and follow HIS footsteps. 

     So often we call upon God for help, but don't listen for an answer. 

Psalm 91,

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
    even the Lord, who is my refuge—
¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

6 months...

Today marks exactly 6 months from the day that changed my life forever.
6 months from when my sister, with tears in her eyes, came in and said, "Clareesa, you need get on facebook." It was there I learned a very dear friend, Joshua Steven Eddy, slipped into the Rogue River and was missing. At first it seemed impossible to believe he could really be gone...I kept telling myself, praying, they would find him and he would be fine. But when I saw the post that the search had been called off, I knew he was gone. Sometimes reality takes awhile to sink in, for me...it didn't take any time at all. I remember screaming-because it was all I could do-then crying for nearly 3 days straight.
Those were the most difficult and painful days of my life-and I can only being to imagine the pain felt by the Eddy family and those closer to Josh.

Now, half a year later, there are still days when the pain comes just as it did 6 months ago and I find myself asking "Why, God???" but the answer always comes right away: 'It has been in God's holy will and plan from the beginning of time.'
He knew Josh would go out there to take a photo, he knew Josh would slip, he knew that day would be Josh's last day on earth.
Both Josh's life and death have been an amazing testimony to me, and so many others, of what a life solely seeking Christ looks like. Everyone who knew Josh can testify that he impacted their lives in a huge way.
I often find myself smiling...then I realize I'm thinking of a memory of Josh.
Today, half a year after he went to be with Jesus, I'm not asking 'why'...I'm thanking God for placing Joshua Eddy into my life...for the perfect amount of time. :)

Part of an email Josh once sent:
"Sometimes it's so hard to see how God uses the hard parts of life to shape us into the Christ-bearers that we are intended to be. If you can trust that God really know what He is doing, He will use you for things that would've been impossible had you taken matters into your own hands. No matter how crazy your life may seem, and no matter how bleak the future may seem, follow His voice and guidance. He really does know what He is doing and He does have a plan."

You couldn't have said it better, Josh. Thanks for leaving an awesome testimony...for so many. Miss you. :')

A friend who won't change.

     Friendships.
     They come in all sorts of forms... We make new friends, lose friends, become distant from other friends. It's life.
     I've had a lot of friends go separate directions in life, and I've grown apart from them. I've also made new friends, some whom I have grown quite close to. But friendships are always changing.
     People grow up. People change. People get into relationships. People...are people.
     Sometimes it's really hard to lose a friend or to become slowly distant... sometimes it's easy to feel like there's no one you can really depend on. Someone who WON'T leave, who will NEVER fail you, who will ALWAYS be there for you...
     Is it impossible to find someone like that?
     No one on this earth can guarantee to be that person for you.
     But there is someone who can.
     Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.
     He is the same. Yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).
     He is ALWAYS there.
     He is ALWAYS faithful.
     He is ALWAYS watching over me.
     He will never leave me.
     Even when I 'spit in His face' even when I continually stray away from the path of His will...He ALWAYS forgives.
     Wow. I mean WOW. Even though I knew what I was going to write about when I first started this post, even as I right...I'm just...amazed. Really and truly amazed and awed and humbled and ...yea. :D
      Friends come, friends go... but God will never leave me nor forsake me.
      The day I turned from my sins and accepted Christ into my life, was the best day of my life. Forever changed. Forever in love with an unchanging God! :D :D :D
     "I the Lord do not change..." (Malachi 3:6)
   
     It's all too easy to forget how faithful God is... it's easy to feel we've hit the end of our rope and we're alone in our own little world. Like we've hit rock bottom and there's not way out. But God is also faithful in reminding us, continually, of His faithfulness...how awesome is that?!?!

     And with that, I shall sleep tonight with a grin on my face because I KNOW I have the God of yesterday, today and forever in my heart. WH00T! :D

 

What does it mean to you?

(Before I begin this post, I would just like to state that I have failed many many times in this area, and am continually, by God's grace, striving to do better. So don't think I'm saying that I never do this as well.) :)

     Quiet time with God. What does it mean to you?
If your response is, "Oh, it's awesome. I read my Bible and pray half an hour every day!"...that doesn't answer my question. What does it mean.to.you?
     Sure, maybe you take time aside each day to read the bible and pray. And that's good, really good! But what are you doing during that half hour?
     Are you watching the clock to see when half an hour is up? Are you seeing how many chapters you can 'squeeze' into that half hour just to say you read that much? Are you focusing on looking for a 'good' verse that you can post about it on facebook to make sure your friends know you're a 'good christian'? Are you checking your texts, fb or email every other verse? Do you the entire chapter and have you mind somewhere else the whole time? Do your prayers to God consist of asking God to give you things? The list goes on...
     If I were to ask you what you read about, what God showed you, would you be able to give me an answer?
     It is so easy to let 'quiet time' become 'distraction time'.
     What would happen if during 'quiet time with God' you sought to forget distractions, forget about posting that verse on facebook(side note: that's what the pharisees did, not with fb, but with praying in public places, etc)?
     Okay, here's a really crazy question: What if you made quiet time about God?
::mind bomb::
       I'll repeat it...in case you didn't catch it the first time: What.if.you.made.quiet.time.about.GOD?
     What if you treated EACH WORD rfom the Bible as God speaking to you? What if instead of praying for what you want, you prayed for God's will and praised Him for all He has done and for Him to teach you His ways?
     Crazy thought isn't it? It shouldn't be, but so often we forget why we read the Bible, why we pray.
It's not an 'okay, my half hour is up, I'm done!' thing - it's learning about God, and His Son, Jesus Christ. Learning about what He did for us, learning about how to follow His will.

Psalm 119:10-17,

"I seek you with all my heart;
    do not let me stray from your commands.
¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart
    that I might not sin against you.
¹² Praise be to you, O Lord;
    teach me your decrees.
¹³ With my lips I recount
    all the laws that come from your mouth.
¹⁴ I rejoice in following your statutes
    as one rejoices in great riches.
¹⁵ I meditate on your precepts
    and consider your ways.
¹⁶ I delight in your decrees;
    I will not neglect your word."

     Not only should we make quiet time soley about God - but we should take what we learn and apply to our lives each day. We should be meditating on God's word, living it through our lives.
   
     So I ask you again: Quiet time with God: What does it mean to you?

Surrendering my own precious dream

::takes a deep breath::
     I don't often write posts that are this personal. But God has taught me so much lately. So much that I can't keep it all inside.
     For a long time I struggled with letting go of something. Something I very much didn't want to let go of.
     Something that brought a lot of pain in the process of trying to let go, but still clinging on by my fingertips.
     A wish I had for my life.
     I made a lot of mistakes in the past few months. A lot of things I regret...but from them, I learned. God used my mistakes, to bring about His will.
     Oh, how I don't deserve the mercy and grace He has shown me in my life.

     Josh Eddy, just 2 weeks before his passing, wrote this post about surrendering a precious dream.
This post means a lot to me. Now more then ever. For many reasons.
      One of the reasons: I've finally learned, by God's grace alone, to surrender a this precious dream I had.
      I've finally learned to let go of this thing that I had been clinging to.
     This thing I thought would be the best thing that could ever happen to me...if only it would happen.
     This dream, this precious dream I had for me life.
     It didn't happen in a day. It didn't happen in a week.
     It was a long and very painful time. Filled with much sorrow...and much joy.
      But in the past two months, I have learned more then I ever thought possible.

     But letting go isn't a 'one time thing'.
     It's a forever-process.
     It's seeking to spend the rest of my life clinging SOLEY to Christ.
     It would be so easy to once again grab hold of this precious dream I had.
     But right now, I'm learning to grab hold of Christ...with BOTH hands.

     Keeping my eyes ONLY on Him.

     It's a struggle.

     It's a constant struggle.

     But I am learning.

Every day.

Every minute.

Every second.

     And I desire to spend each second shining for Christ. Each moment serving Him. Each moment take the life He has given me...and using it to further HIS Kingdom. Not seek my own desires and dreams.

     And in seeking Christ, I find my life filled with joy that is indescribable. Even in hardships, the joy of Christ is there.

      Life is far from the human view of perfect. Far from the way we, sinful humans, desire it to be. But life is just the way God planned it. And that's far better then perfect.

Don't you think? :)

Rest.

Life is so short. 

So very very short.

Another life on this earth was ended today.

I didn't know him, but from what I see on his fb profile...he touched a lot of lives.

He died trying to save someone from drowning. (I don't know a lot of the details, but I think that the person he was trying to save also passed.)

This past year for me has been the first year where I have lost people close to me (Josh and my adopted grandpa). 

I never knew what the pain of losing someone was until this year.

I hurt for those who lost Brett today. But I also praise God that, from what I see, it was evident he shined the light of Christ. 

In a second. In a moment. Life can be gone.

Life on earth that is.

Next comes eternal life. 

Either suffering. Or joyously rejoicing with Christ in Heaven.

Forever.

That's a long time.

But right now...I am content to rest in God's grace.

To rest and trust in His timing and will for everything.

To rest in His will for how long I have left on earth.

To rest in His timing on taking those around me away from this world.

To rest in HIM. And Him alone.

The Bible verse that brought me to salvation at age 13 comes to mind:  "Find rest, O my Soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." (Psalm 62:5)

Untitled

Why does it come to this?

Why does my heart seem to burn?

Why will I never feel the same?

Why, please just tell me why.

Why I have to say goodbye.

I wanted it forever to be

But I know now I will never see

Your smiling face, looking back at me

Please, explain to me why

Why I have to say goodbye.

Memories will forever remain

But lives will only last a day

So if I had one wish

I would want you, here, beside me

Tell me why I have to say goodbye

I never thought this day would come

When I wrote you a letter

And went to send it in the mail

Then I realized

There's no address

To heaven

Don't make me say goodbye

As tears fall down my face

I looked up and asked why

Who will fill the empty space you left behind

I don't understand why

Why I have to say goodbye

So wait for me, at those heavenly gates

Wait for me, with open arms

It's time for me to say goodbye

But wait for me.

Wait for me.

Trying

It's the hardest thing I've ever done

A struggle greater than I knew

Tears, laughter, sorrow and joy

Confusion surrounds me

I'm trying to so hard

Trying to keep one focus

Trying to only see Christ

I'm trying - trying so hard

It's like my heart is in a box

A war to always keep it safe

Pain, healing, sadness and delight

Desire surrounds me

I'm trying to so hard

Trying to live just one way

Trying to fully serve Christ

I'm trying - trying so hard

It's a constant battle

A constant tugging at my heart

Desire, needs, shame and pride

Many storms surround me

But I'm trying so hard

Trying to just remember

Trying to always seek Christ

I'm trying - trying so hard

Oh Lord, give me strength

To always

Always keep trying

Until the end of my days