Monday, July 27, 2015

Hey! It's me! ...the prideful one.

Oh, hey there, random citizen.
Yes, I will give you a moment to recover from your shock upon the realization that I still exist even though I have blogged in 2 months.
And even my last blog post was kind of...a downer?

I've started many a blog post...and then deleted it.
Why? Well, even if you aren't asking why, I'm going to tell you anyways.

Every time to started to write, I felt like I didn't have a single finished thought in my crazy brain.

To say God has been stretching and pushing me these last few months would be an understatement.

It started last October.
Which, ironically, happens to be the same month I turned 21...
9 months ago.
I felt God calling me in a new life direction... and I went about it all the wrong way.

My thought process: "I know what God wants, so I'm going to do everything in MY OWN POWER to accomplish it."

Yea, it's okay to laugh at me, or groan...or whatever.

I let my own pride get in the way.
And once you open that door, it just gets worse and worse...

And for months I let my pride remain. Didn't want to admit my attitude was wrong.

-December 27th, I took a drive and God showed me a lot(see post here). He showed me I needed to submit. To submit where I really really really really really (did I mention really?) didn't want to.

-January, I learn more and more to submit. God puts many trials in my path to make sure I really know what submission means. I fail a lot. Learn a lot. ...Lose a lot.

-February, I try so hard to press on through loss. Am kind of stupid about it and rely on my own strength far too much. Too prideful to admit otherwise.

-March-April, God is so good and gracious. Shows His love for me even while I am horribly prideful. Begin to slowly see how much my own pride is wearing me out. See that my pride affected far more than just myself. Begin painful process of letting go of my pride, having conversations/making apologies that are really hard. Learn once again God is so so gracious.

-May, God is gracious to me far more than I deserve. Get a 'second chance', in a weird sort of way. So incredibly humbling.

And the last two months have been just that.
A learning process.
Learning how easily pride can sneak into everyday life.
Learning that pride hurts not only yourself, but others around you.
Learning that, so often, God gives us such amazing amazing blessings that we certainly don't deserve.

I in no way deserve the mercy and grace God showed me over the last few months.
The people he placed in my life, the forgiveness He gave and the forgiveness He gave.
The patience and forgiveness He's given to others to give to my undeserving self.

If I had to sum up what I've learned over the past 9 months, it would be this:
"The moment we allow our pride to get the smallest slip into our lives is the moment we begin to rely on ourselves rather than Christ. And the moment we begin to rely on ourselves, is the moment we begin to put the Creator of the earth under our own, helpless, selves. And this is the moment we need all the more to turn away from our own selfish desires, turn away from our pride, admit our wrongs, and actively acknowledge that our strength truly comes from Christ alone."

I'm still learning. Daily.
But, as humans, our nature is to be prideful.
So not on my own strength, but in that of Christ alone, I am striving to turn my eyes away from myself, and look fully upon Christ.

1 Peter 5:5, "...and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble."