Go

I laid on my back silently gazing up
The stars above me shone brightly
Occasionally twinkling as if they held some secret
The only sound I heard was the song of the crickets
and the croaking of frogs small and large
Memories swam through my mind
A tear slid down my face
I sat up and hugged my knees tightly
My heart ached with the pain of loss
"God," I prayed silently. "I don't know how I will get through this."
Tears flowed freely now.
"I feel so battered, and lost.
 I have lost all I care so much for."
Then His voice came all so clearly.
A whisper in my head.
"I have a plan for you, Clareesa.
A plan that far surpasses any plans you have ever had for you life."
I sobbed.
"But, God, what do I do now? In this moment...I don't know where to go."
His voice came again.
"A few years ago I told you to go, to go serve."
My mind wandered to the time when God had used a squirrel to show me that He wanted me to go.

To go and serve.
"I removed from your life something that held you back .
Something that was stopping you from going.
Now that i have taken that away, you are free to go.
 Go, Clareesa. Go and serve. Go and don't stop.
Don't let anything hold you back.
This is what I want you to do right now."

I wiped away a last tear and looked at the creation of the stars.
The God who had created these very stars
Had a plan for me.
And right now, He was telling me to go.
To go.
And not stop.
My heart still ached.
But I felt a renewed hope.
I would go.
I would serve.
And I would fail.
But I would keep going.
Without stopping.
Because my God was faithful.

The Path

The walls loomed above me

In vain I searched for an escape

For even a window of light

Nothing.

Darkness.

I knew not how I got here

When I had first started on the path it had looked harmless

I all too quickly learned the trust danger that lurked here

I felt bruised and battered

I pounded against the walls once more

"Someone, help me! Get me out of here!"

I felt something wet dripping down my hand

Blood and the dirt of the walls.

"Please, anyone."

I sank to the ground, my voice hoarse from crying out.

"Help me."

My salty tears mixed with the taste of blood around my mouth

If only the walls were gone

Then I could see the light

Oh, how I longed to see the light

Feel it's warmth upon my face

"Please, someone."

My voice was barely a whisper now

"Take these walls away."

The earth began to tremble

The walls - they were coming down!

I felt a renewed strength and jumped to me feet

I shut my eyes, waiting to feel the light against my eyelids

The walls roared as they crashed around me

Then silence

I slowly cracked my eyes open

Darkness.

My heart began racing in a new fear

Why was it still dark?

Why couldn't I see the path?

The wall were gone...

so why couldn't I see the light?

I stumbled forward

Soft dirt squished under my feet

I was on the path again

But the darkness remained

I strained my eyes in every direction

Desperately seeking even the smallest ray of light

"Where do I go?"

I cried out into the darkness

My question was answered with silence

Then I knew

At the end of the path, there was light

 The walls hadn't been blocked the light out

There was no light on the path in the first place

And if I could just make it to the end of the path

I would find not only light

But the guardian of the path

The Creator of the light

The One who would watch over me as I made my journey

My journey down this path

This path were I could not see ahead

But the Guardian could

The Guardian could see everything

As long as I remained on the path

the darkness would remain

And the journey would be long and painful

But at the end - a glorious light I would find

And each time I would stumble

I would know the Guardian was using that injury

To mold me into His image

But for now

I would continue on

With my eyes fixed ahead

Even though I could not see

On this path call life.

 

It wasn't the smile...

     It wasn't the fact alone that she smiled.
     It wasn't the the way she laughed.
     It wasn't the words she said
     It wasn't her
     It was the fact that she could smile
     It was why she was laughing
     It was what she didn't say
   
     The fact that in such a difficult trial, instead of showing a face of sadness and pain, her face radiated with joy.
      The fact that in such pain, her laughter still came from the heart.
      The fact that she wasn't complaining about what she was going through, but speaking praise to God.
      It was Christ shining through her

    That's what stands out.
    That's what shining the light of Christ looks like.

    Matthew 5:16, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."

    James 1:2-4, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. "


      We all go through trials.
      But it's very rare to find joy in trials... but it's what we are called to do. And when we do...we shine a light greater than any light there is.

The Wooden Wishing Well

     I was skimming through one of my notebooks from last year and came across something I had started writing and never finished. And since it was midnight and my insomnia was keeping me up...I decided to finish it.

The Wooden Wishing Well

At the end of the path now overgrown with weeds

I stood at the edge of an old wooden wishing well

Ready to drop a coin down and make a wish for a new car I wanted

I looked down and, though dark and far off, somehow I saw the bottom

Only small puddles of water remained

Twisted vines crawled up the cracked sides

But in those puddles of water, I saw hundreds of shiny relfections

Wishes

Some of the wishes took the form of dimes, others of pennies 

Some of the wishes even took the form of coins from another country

I thought to myself 'What if I could read those wishes?'

Then I found myself falling

Down into the wooden wishing well

Once I hit the bottom no pain did I feel

Inside I felt a sense of awe as each wish sparkled up at me

I bent and picked up a penny and felt my eyes widen

For clearly, without explanation, I knew this penny's wish

The wish had been made by a girl, no older than seven

Wishing for a new pink dress with ruffles for her doll

I picked up another wish, this one in the form of a silver dollar

A wish for a new bike 

Amazed, I continued to pick through the wishes

Some made me laugh

Like the wish of the little boy who wished he could be a real superhero so the girl next door would like him

Some made me cry

Like the grandpa who wished his grandson would beat his battle for cancer

If even just long enough to make it to his next birthday

A wish for a pony

a wish for her mother to come back home

A wish for a new job

A wish for the pain to go away

But no matter the wish

Each one was different

Unique to that person who wished it

And with each wish

I found myself realizing all the more clearly

That each life

Though so different from the other

Was imporant

Meant something

The pile of a wishes around me

Had become much more than a pile of wishes

They had become lives

Then I once again found myself standing above the wishing well

Staring down

I walked back down the path

Not looking back

I felt burdened with that thought that every life

Every person I passed on the street

They weren't just a another face

They had wishes

Struggles

Needs

I suddenly wanted to be part of all their lives

To show them that they were important in their own way

I never went back to the

wishing well

But I never forgot what I learned

It is easy to get wrapped up in our own desires

To think little of the lives or others

To view them as just another face with a wish

But they are so much more

They are a life

And some of those lives

I have the chance to impact

To show them I care

And maybe even answer one of their wishes

That is what I learned

at the wooden wishing well

Undeserving

      There's a line in a song that goes, "who am I to make demands of the God of Abraham"
      That line gets me every time.
      Who am I to be able to come before the feet of Jesus?
      Why would the God of the universe allow me, a wretched sinner, to continually come before him, time and time again after I fail, and yet still forgive me and give me abundant grace and mercy?
     What have I done to have the right to bring Him my requests?
     What have I done that He should listen to my cries for help after I turned my back on Him?
     What have I done to deserve abundant grace and mercy and love?
      Who am I to make demands?
      I am so incredibly undeserving of any of it.
      In fact, the only thing I do deserve for who I am, for my sins... is death.
      Think about that. What we deserve is death. Eternal death.
      But instead of death God sent His one and only son to DIE IN MY PLACE.
      Jesus Christ, the One without sin, God in flesh...bore my punishment upon the cross.
      And what did I do to deserve it? Nothing.
      What do I continue to do even after I know He has done this for me? Fail, sin...fall away.
      Each time we lay our requests before God, whether it be asking for forgiveness or seeking a request, maybe for a job-for health...whatever it may be... what are we thinking about?
      Are we thinking about how God should give us this or that or how we want this, need this...demand this?
      Or are we remembering what a privilege it is to come before Him?
      Because that's what it is. Us, in ourselves...we are nothing. Worthless, sinners, dirty, wretched...but in Christ...we have been made NEW! Our sin washed away! No longer worthless.
      We deserve death, but instead we have received the hope of eternal life and the ability to come before the Lord in prayer. Um... wow.
      So next time you pray...thank about that. Think about how undeserving we are to be able lay our requests before the Lord.


"My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever." -Psalm 145:21

One Year.

One year.
How can one year feel like a lifetime but yet one day at the same time?
I cannot put into words what I am feeling right now. I woke up this morning with a million thoughts in my head-all related to Joshua Steven Eddy . Thoughts of how I missed him, thoughts of how I could be praying for his family and close friends, thoughts of how it felt like just another day to wake up...but yet....it's different today.
It was exactly one year ago that I got the news that one of my dearest friends, Joshua Eddy, had slipped and fallen into the Rogue River and drowned.
You can never be ready to lose someone you care about.
I miss Josh. So much. And I know so many others do as well.
I also know that God's plan to take Josh home when He did could not have been any more perfect. God took Josh home at JUST the perfect time. It may seem too soon for those who were close to Josh...but God's plan for everyone, when they are born, when they die, is SO SO perfect. Planned from beginning of time.
Josh left behind a testimony of what it looks like to truly follow of Christ. Anyone who knew him can tell you how he constantly would encourage and challenge you in your walk with the Lord.
Since Josh has passed, life has gone on. But the memory and testimony of Josh still remains. If he could see how many lives his passing has impacted in the past year, he would be so humbled.
A reminder of so many things: a reminder of how he isn't with us anymore and the deep pain that comes from missing him, a reminder of the life he lived-for Christ, and a challenge not to live our lives 'like Josh did', but to follow the same path he did in living for Christ, a reminder of how short life is and most of all: a reminder of how God is in control. Always.
I miss Josh. I miss him far more than I did a year ago. I miss receiving his famously long emails encouraging me to do what was right, so stand firm in the Lord and to always always keep my focus on God. I miss seeing new photos that he had taken where he learned a new photography technique and he would get so excited about it. I miss reading his heartfelt blog posts that always encouraged me. I miss his smile, his laugh. I miss him.
And a year later, through tears, I am praising God that He had this planned from the beginning of time. Because even though I miss him, I can rejoice that I will see him again.

Here's a part of an email I once received from Josh, it seems all the more appropriate now(As this was an extremely personal email, I replaced any names with '----'):

"No matter what happens, you need to trust in Him, and live for Him. Never live the complacent life. If you believe that God is in control of every single aspect of creation; not even a leaf falls from a tree without God allowing it to, then God has a purpose for every event in your life, and your job is not to say “oh, well, that wasn’t fun”. Your job is to say “Blessed be the Name of the Lord, You give and take away. What do you intend for me to learn from this, Lord? How can I grow from this experience?”  
Can I ask you a sensitive question? Do you love God more than ----? If God took ---- from you permanently, would you still love Him? Of course yes, I know that you’re far stronger than to turn your back on Him. But would you ever “forgive” Him? Would you resent it and always look on it as a curse? Are you willing to lay your friendship with ---- on the altar and “Lord, it’s yours, use it for you greatest Glory”?"

So many of the things Josh said, God knew how they would effect others after his death. Things about losing someone, about always trusting God...things that relate to Josh now.
It's amazing to see God's plan.
 
 
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look no at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

What would you say?

     A few years ago I first heard the song, What Would You Say by Trailor Choir.
     That song got me thinking-a lot. What would I say if I only had a few minutes and a piece of paper to write a few thoughts?
     (Maybe I've written a post about this song before, I honestly can't remember.)
     I have spent the years since trying to figure out what I would write. It just seems impossible to try to think of a few that I would I want to be my last.
     I thought of different ways I'd tell people I cared about them, who I cared about. I thought of different ways I would try to leave a note of encouragement, to encourage people to keep focused on Christ...but nothing seemed to satisfy that thought that I still really hadn't found what I would actually write.
     I was listening to this song again today, and it hit. I know what I would write.
     I wouldn't write to tell people how much they meant to me. If the first time they heard it came from a piece of paper, then I didn't live a life loving of Christ would. I should be living that out day to day.
     I wouldn't write an encouraging not to tell others to follow Christ, my life should be shining that out day to day. If the only way they knew how much I loved God and wanted them follow Him was from me writing it down, well I definitely hadn't been living life shining my light as a Christian in a dark world.
     I would want to write something to this effect, and mean it with all my heart: "I am ready. I have no regrets. Do not cry for me, rejoice! For I was a wretched sinner, but by the precious blood of Christ I have been saved. Rejoice. For God is faithful."

     "What would you say?"